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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25342837">Beautiful Blue-Eyed Blast From The Past</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemepizza/pseuds/givemepizza'>givemepizza</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Norway)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Breaking Up &amp; Making Up, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Friendship, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Post-Break Up, Slice of Life, True Love, fears</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:14:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>41,062</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25342837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemepizza/pseuds/givemepizza</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a disastrous incident that led to their break up 5 years ago, Even and Isak bump into each other at a supermarket and from thence it becomes impossible to avoid each other despite Isak's effort to keep Even in the past.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi Everyone. I am back with 2 evak stories, both a little bit more serious and more angsty than what I've written for evak in the past. Be that as it may, i can guarantee lots of fluff and romance as well because i can't resist soft!evak. Also, there is a happy ending here. Evak have a lot of emotional stuff to work out in this story, a painful past to get over and a lot of growing up to do; so the story will get a little sad at times as the evak go through some emotionally painful times. As they talk more, get to each other again and grow closer, Their relationship and friendship will get sweeter. I promise. </p><p>I've posted chapter another ongoing evak story called "Gentle Pursuit", so if you haven't already seen it, please go and support me.<br/>I'll update both stories at the same time every once a week</p><p>I sincerely hope that you guys will like my latest stories as much as you liked the previous one.<br/>stay safe and be well&lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a true miracle that basket in my hands hasn’t dropped to the floor by now or that I’m still standing upright at all and staring at Even Bech Naesheim. To be exact I’m staring into his strikingly blue eyes in the middle of the fresh fruit and vegetables isle of a supermarket I frequent every few weeks when I run out of groceries. I never in a million years imagined that I would meet Even here just like that 5 years after our nasty breakup back in college.</p><p>Apparently destiny has other plans because here we are. Even looks just as shell shocked about this as I am if the way he is just standing awkwardly staring at me with wide eyes and slightly parted lips are any indication.</p><p>“Hi.” I blurt out for lack of anything better to say.</p><p>“Hi.” Even repeats, also clearly lacking a better response.</p><p>We fall silent again and resume staring at each other. My knuckles are starting to hurt from how hard I’m clutching onto the handle of my basket. It’s the middle of winter and I’m standing in the middle of a rather chilly fresh produce isle but I’m starting to sweat rather profusely as this moment grows increasingly awkward with each passing second.</p><p>“How have you been?” Even finally speaks again</p><p>“Good.” I only realise how rushed and fake my response sounds after it’s already out, so in an effort to do better, I add. “I mean I’m okay. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m okay.” Even’s lips twitch and his manner appears to relax a little. “You live in Kirkenes?”</p><p>“Yeah. For years now. What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Remember Mikael?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“He works here as a copywriter of a certain firm. For a while he’s been telling me the job opportunities in Kirkenes 8 months ago I moved here and so far life is good out here, so I decided to stay. Small world huh.” He chuckles lightly, a little uncomfortably like he is also just a bit freaked out by this coincidence. I know I am. Like what the hell kind of situation is this? What are the odds that I quietly left Oslo to walk away from Even only for him to just happen to end up in the same city as me? More importantly what are the odds of us bumping into each other at all in a big city?</p><p>Very high odds apparently. </p><p>“I see.” I say for lack anything better. “Is Mikael also doing well for himself?”</p><p>“He’s very fine.”</p><p>“That’s good to hear.” Mikael was always my favourite among Even’s friends for more reasons than just the fact that he knew about my romantic relationship with Even and kept that secret for us without ever complaining about being part of the secret. Mikael was shocked when he found out about Even and me but he never showed any disgust or rancour. That’s what set him apart from Even’s other friends and my own.</p><p>I’m genuinely happy to hear that Even and Mikael stayed friends over the years.</p><p>Even gives me a once over, his sharp gaze slowly scrutinizing me with ease. “You look great.”</p><p>“Thanks.” Naturally I’m compelled to look at him too, like really look. It doesn’t appear like he’s changed much, which is understandable since it’s only been 5 years. His jawline got a bit angular, his hair a little longer and his shoulders a bit broader but that’s it. He still looks as handsome and agile as ever. His striking blue eyes are still as captivating as ever and I can’t resist the way they are pulling me in. He still styles his wavy blonde hair the same and as it would seem he is still making the same wardrobe choices as before, spotting a pair of fitting black jeans, a pure white T-shirt and a sky blue denim jacket inside his long brown modern trench coat. He looks like a mouth-watering cut out from a magazine.</p><p> “You look good too.” <em>really good</em></p><p>“Thanks.” His face breaks into a tiny smile and suddenly his gaze starts darting about in a way I know it does when he is nervous. Even presses his lips together and finally meets my gaze again. “Do you want to meet up later and catch up? I’d like to hear about what you’ve been up to all these years.” He finishes with a shrug and now I know he is definitely nervous, which is understandable.</p><p>My heart is racing as well because I don’t know what the fuck to do with his offer. Plainly saying no is too rude, right? But then I also don’t really want to hang out with Even for any length of time. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea considering how things ended between us. Apparently there is something about my facial expression maybe that puts Even in the know about what I’m thinking.</p><p>“It’s okay if you are not interested.” He rushes to say. “It’s only an offer.”</p><p>“No it’s not that… I don’t want to catch up. It’s…..” I stop abruptly and awkwardly, realising belatedly that I don’t know where I’m going with this. This only goes to show that actually what I just said is the opposite of what I’m feeling, and Even can tell. His smile slips and he looks uncomfortable now.</p><p>“Really It’s fine if you are not cool with the idea. I guess I’ll see you around. It’s nice seeing you again.” he says with a polite and slightly sad smile then he starts to walk past me.</p><p>“Wait!” Oh fuck I’m going to regret this. Even stops and because of the direction he was started moving in a few seconds ago, he is standing that much close to me this time. I can smell his cologne. “I’m sorry about what just happened. This is all just a little….weird for me.”</p><p>“Me too. Trust me.” Even admits with a shaky, weak laugh. I respond with a laugh very akin to his.</p><p>“We can meet to catch up. I’d like that too.” my head is spinning with worry, but my decision here is so worth it to see Even smile so bright, to see that twinkle in his eyes again.</p><p>********</p><p>I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I walk away from Isak. Goodness I cannot believe I just bumped into him just like in the middle of a random supermarket. My head is spinning with shock.</p><p>As I’m driving to the café I’m meeting my friend Mikael at, I feel like I’m floating. My heart is racing so hard still. I’m holding the steering wheel so tightly because my hands won’t stop shaking.</p><p>For months after Isak literally just disappeared, I imagined such a moment in my head- what I would do when I ever saw Isak again. I imagined holding him and kissing him because of desperately I missed him yet I also imagined cursing at him because of how hurt and bereft he left me when he walked out of my life. I could only picture a scenario where seeing Isak again would bring me so much joy or bring all the hurt rushing back. When I actually saw him today I didn’t feel joy or pain. I was just shocked into immobility and senselessness because about 2 years ago I figured I’d never see Isak again and decided to move on from him.</p><p>All I could do was stare at him because I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I couldn’t believe that I found myself in this city where Isak also just happens to live. For years I’ve wished to find Isak but now that it’s happened I have no fucking idea what to do. Judging by the shocked and pained expression on Isak’s face, he is also stunned by our fate.</p><p>I’m still surprised that he suggested we catch up some time later.</p><p>I also can’t believe how good he looks. It's a miracle that I managed to maintain dome composure while talking to him. He looks damned good. He was hot then and he is hotter now. There was a bit of baby fat around his cheeks back in college, all of which there is no trace of now. His jawline is stronger now, more defined, more angular, and that gives him a manly, rugged and wilder sex appeal.</p><p>His voice got thicker and smoother than I remember too. He sounds so confident and dignified now. I’m still a little rattled by the way his intense green eyes –ever so expressive- bore into mine, speaking volumes of how alarmed and stunned he was to see me again. I could tell he was asking the same questions I had running through my mind.</p><p>What now? How do we go forward pretending the other doesn’t exist in the same town?</p><p>*********</p><p>I get to the café and find and Mikael has already started eating without me. At least he’s kind enough to order an ice Americano for me.</p><p>“Hi.” I say as I join him at the table.</p><p>Mikael lifts his gaze from his phone to smile at me. “Hey. About damn time. I’ve been waiting forever.”</p><p>“Sorry. I passed by the supermarket to grab a few things I needed.” I explain and grab my drink, sliding my gaze away from Mikael to stare out the window as I sip through the straw. My mind easily skitters away to thoughts of Isak and I’m effectively lost to the world. I can vaguely hear Mikael talking but most of it is drowned out by my loud thoughts.</p><p>When I tune back in for a bit, Mikael is saying. “Guess what? I’m having lunch with Carol’s mum. Yikes, right?”</p><p>“hm yeah.” I reply distractedly, bringing my gaze back to him. He regards me with scrutiny</p><p>“What’s up with you, bro?”</p><p>I just bumped into Isak.”</p><p>“Which Isak?”</p><p>“Isak Valtersen love of my life Isak Valtersen.” I repeat, a little miffed that he doesn’t get it immediately. I watch Mikael’s eyes slowly widen with realisation and then shock. “Wait, what?”</p><p>“I know. I can’t believe it either. Apparently he lives here.”</p><p>“In Kirkenes? For how long?”</p><p>“I have no idea.”</p><p>“Wow. Small world.”</p><p>“I said the same thing.”</p><p>“So you met him and did you guys stop to talk?”</p><p>“Yeah. It was very awkward.”</p><p>“I can imagine.”</p><p>“But we agreed to catch up later over a meal or something.”</p><p>Mikael appears speechless, momentarily opening and closing his mouth like he is trying to figure out what to say and how. “Is that a good idea?”<br/>
“I don’t know. I sort of just blurted the offer out. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing either but I just feel like seeing Isak again is an opportunity I should be seizing.”</p><p>“Opportunity to what?” Mikael raises his eyebrows with askance.</p><p>“I don’t know.” I mutter with a resigned sigh. “What I do know is that no one before and after Isak made me as happy as he did.”</p><p>“What he did to you was so fucked up though.”</p><p>“I started the whole mess.”</p><p>“Yes but you weren’t in your right mind. The so-called love of your life is the one who abandoned you in the moment when you most needed his understanding.” Mikael so elaborately puts it even though I certainly do not need a detailed reminder of what went down between Isak and me. I still think about it sometimes and honestly the numbingly piercing anguish hasn’t really gone away.</p><p>Sometimes when I’m not pondering how badly things ended between us, I miss him and our happier times together.</p><p>Seeing Isak right there in the middle of a well-lit supermarket isle, standing so close to me and looking not a day older than I remember- I was mesmerised. He’s done a little growing up physically and he no longer looks quite as cute as he did back when we dated. He even wears his blonde, wavy hair a little shorter now and his green eyes seemed a little icier than I remember, more distant and impersonal. I think he also lost a little weight over the years. I can’t be too sure about that last bit though. Maybe it just seemed that way because his face has slimmed down into a more angular jawline as compared to back when he had slightly rounder cute cheeks.</p><p>In some ways Isak is different physically and perhaps his aura is different too now but I still felt it- that connection between us. I could tell he was just as rattled by our meeting, that his heart was thudding just as hard as mine as, that he was checking me out just as I was checking him out.</p><p>“So what are you going to do now?” Miakel asks, cutting off my train of thought.</p><p>“I want to see Isak again obviously.”</p><p>“And after?”</p><p>“I haven’t thought that far ahead.” I admit. My mind is still a mess right now. On the other hand, he yearns to see Isak because as hard as things were for me when he left me,  I still missed him so much and craved for his presence in my life even as just a friend. I’ll probably never get over Isak entirely because he was both a boyfriend and a best friend to me.</p><p>It is impossible for me to pretend he isn’t back in my life. My heart won’t let me. Not with the way its beat is accelerating in the slightest whenever I recall how great Isak looks.</p><p>“You better start thinking then. When are you two meeting up?”</p><p>“Isak said he’ll let me know.”</p><p>“Catching up with him could go all sorts of wrong yet even that’s better than having lunch with my nosy girlfriend’s mother.”</p><p>I laugh heartily at that, starting to relax a little for the first time since I left the supermarket. “He woman is a busy body. I honestly feel for you. But why can’t Carol join to support you?”</p><p>“Because she dislikes her mother too.” Mikael deadpans. “And she has something or other to attend. I stopped listening after the words motivation and speaker. You know how much I loathe motivational talks.”</p><p>“Since I love you so much, I’ll go with you.”</p><p>“Oh could you?” Mikael lights up as if I’ve just announced the best news of the year. “That would be amazing.”</p><p>“I hope Carol’s mum won’t mind.”</p><p>“Who cares what she minds? I don’t.”</p><p>“It’s set then.” I won’t be able to work the rest of the day anyway with Isak on my mind. This lunch with Mikael and his girlfriend’s busy body mother is just the distracted I need.</p><p>***********</p><p>The scent of cologne greets me the moment I step inside my apartment and I smile knowingly as I put my shoes and jacket away in the entryway.</p><p>There is some rustling coming from the kitchen, so I assume Jonas is in there. Indeed I find him looking busy in there and the smell of freshly cooked food fills my nostrils, replacing the scent of cologne lingering in the other rooms of our small apartment. </p><p>“You are home early.” I say to Jonas as I make my way to the fridge to get some drinking water.</p><p>Jonas puts a bowl into the microwave and turns it on then he turns towards me with a smile. “I’m meeting Agnes tonight.”</p><p>“That explains the cologne.” After I’ve grabbed my bottled water and pushed the fridge door with my foot, I approach Jonas while giving him a once over. He’s definitely dressed to impressed. Even I’m enthralled.</p><p>“Yes. I convinced Stacy to cover for me the last quarter of my shift at the bakery. In exchange she wants me to bake a chocolate cake for her husband’s birthday which is coming up this weekend. I think it’s a sweet deal. Agnes is worth it.”</p><p>“She <em>is</em> hot.” I nod, shooting my friend a suggestive smile.</p><p>Jonas wiggles his bushy eyebrows at me and turns away again as the microwave signal that whatever is in there is ready. “I made you some dinner.” Jonas says over his shoulder. “I figured you’d be too tired to cook. I mean it does take you nearly an hour to make a sandwich, so…” he trails off and shrugs. I know he is smirking too the bastard.</p><p>I roll my eyes. “I’m not that bad.”</p><p>Twisting the lid off my bottled water, I peek over Jonas’ shoulder at the contents of the bowl he just took out of the microwave. “You made me a potato salad. Thanks.” I chirp, already excited about it. I’m a really lucky guy having a pastry chef for a friend. Jonas’ skills happen to extend very well from baking into cooking as well. Sometimes I deliberately make a mess of cooking to goad him into taking the task off my hands. That usually comes with a scolding about how lazy I am, but honestly I can stand anything for a chance to eat Jonas’ cooking.</p><p>“No problem. Don’t expect me back tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow after work.”</p><p>“Cool.” I bring the bottle to my lips to drink my water in a few huge gulps. As Jonas starts leaving the kitchen, I’m reminded that I have something to ask him. The whole Even incident at the supermarket comes back to mind and I tense up immediately.</p><p>“Wait.” I call after Jonas and he turns around</p><p>“If you ask me for dessert, I will seriously hurt you, Issy.”</p><p>That makes me smile and takes the sudden edge off a bit. “I met an old friend today.”</p><p>“Oh. Cool. How old is this old friend?”</p><p>“A college friend.” I swallow, nearly choking on my own saliva. That’s how awkward it feels for me lying to my best friend. Jonas is a great guy and as soon as we met at some lame wine tasting event 3 years, we became fast friends. I can confidently know that he knows everything about me including the fact that I’m estranged from my parents. What he doesn’t know is why that is. To be exact Jonas is unaware of the huge chunk of my university life where an embarrassing scandal cost me my education, the relationship I had with my parents, my then friends and a boy named Even whom I loved more than I loved myself.</p><p>Jonas doesn’t know that I’m gay.</p><p>In recent years I made some personal choices such as leading a life of celibacy. Of course conversations about past and present love lives come up a lot with Jonas and I and I hate the feeling of lying and lying because once the lies start, they never stop. One day while were drinking at a mutual friend’s place, I told Jonas that my past romantic life was one thing I wanted to never share with anyone because the memories from back then were too painful. It was a selfish choice shutting him out like that but it was the best way to protect us both from the lies I knew I would be forced to tell for the sake of concealing my sexuality. It was easier for me to avoid talking about my exes than lie about what gender they were.</p><p>5 years ago I lost everything because of my sexuality, and after that I decided to leave all that ugliness behind me and try to start a new life. I’m not sure how Jonas would react to my sexuality but I’d rather not find out. What’s more, I want my past and everything there to be just that- the past.</p><p>“I hope you didn’t feel any pressure to lie about how successful your career has become. That seems to be a default for all of us when we meet an old friend.” Jonas laughs.</p><p>My lips curve into a small smile. “Even isn’t the type to make people feel uncomfortable.” Because the Even I remember was nice, sweet, kind and affectionate, my mind goes to add and the smile on my face slips.</p><p>“Hey, Issy. Are you okay, man?” Jonas slowly walks up to me and eyes me with scrutiny. </p><p>“Yeah. Why?” I try for another smile but I think my effort isn’t doing anything to mollify Jonas. He regards me with a slight frown.</p><p>“You just seem a little off all of a sudden.”</p><p>“I’m okay. I was just surprised to see Even again. I’ve been thinking about it all day. Sort of.”</p><p>“Are you sure he isn’t one to make others feel uncomfortable?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Then why are you so rattled about seeing him again.”</p><p>“We didn’t exactly part ways on a great note.”</p><p>Realisation seems to dawn on Jonas. “Then that’s fucking awkward.”</p><p>“I agreed to meet him so we can catch up or whatever. Would you go with me? I think your presence will help lots.”</p><p>“Sure. Let me know when.”</p><p>“You are awesome, bro.”</p><p>“I know. That’s why you love me so much, right?” Jonas grins all self-satisfied. “We can go to that beer and friend chicken place you like. I hope this Even won’t mind the menu.”</p><p>“I’ll text him to ask.”</p><p>“Cool. Keep me posted. Now I really have to go. It’s been a stressful day for both Agnes and I, so it’s safe to say we are both excited about sex tonight.”</p><p>I chuckle and roll my eyes. “Try not to jump each other before you get to her place.”</p><p>Left alone in the kitchen, that feeling of dread over meeting up with Even fills my belly again. I can’t shake off the feeling that once I invite him into my life for a simple meal, I won’t be able to push him out again; then that that utterly rescind all the progress I’ve made in creating a new life for the past 5 years.</p><p><em>Oh hell</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Even and Isak catch up a bit</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I said i would update this every week on Fridays and that's how it will be but if i finish a chapter before then, i'll post it cause i have no reason to hold back. So here is chapter 2. Considering how much you guys liked the first chapter, I hope this next step in the story will be to your liking.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Turns out Even likes Chicken and beer so I invite him to my favourite fried chicken place for dinner on Saturday evening. On the way there with Jonas, I can’t shake off the feeling of regret, like I’m making a mistake meeting up with Even.</p><p>What’s more I don’t know what the hell I was thinking inviting Jonas along. What if Even says something about our past romance?</p><p>If Jonas takes notice of how jittery I am, he doesn’t say a thing about it.</p><p>We arrive at the chicken place before Even does and find ourselves a table on the second floor balcony where the outdoor seating overlooks the park. I enjoy the view and fresh air up here. Since this is a takeout place, few customers eat from here and among that few; Jonas and I are usually the only two that dine from up here. That is something I don’t mind at all.</p><p>After we’ve sat down at our usual table, Jonas and I order a couple of beers each as we wait for Even to arrive. I text Even to let him know where Jonas and I are sitting and he texts back saying he’s on his way.</p><p>My gut is still twisted in knots from anxiety of the unknown as all sorts of possibilities whirl around through my mind. This meeting could go extremely well or it could be excruciatingly disastrous. Not knowing which is killing me. Even was crazy and spontaneous back when we dated. It's possible he has changed now but that what if he hasn’t? </p><p>My head is telling me to halt everything now, fake some illness and go home but another side is me is telling me that I'm a grown man who can't go through life avoiding tough situations. It's only dinner anyway. What could possibly go wrong?</p><p>“Are you okay?” Jonas suddenly asks with a furrow between his eyebrows. “You won’t stop tapping your fingers on the table.</p><p>Now conscious of what I’m doing, my hand stills at the table. “I’m good.” I offer Jonas a very forced smile just to appease him. He purses his lips, visibly not convinced, but he doesn’t press. I’m grateful for that.</p><p>“You really shouldn’t be this nervous about reuniting with an old friend.”</p><p>“I know. I’m just-” I’m cut off when Even appears in my line of vision. He easily spots me and smiles as he approaches our table. Watching him walk over here, I can’t take my eyes off him.</p><p>The sight of Even stills whatever thoughts and worries I have swirling in my head.  </p><p>He looks like a fucking wet dream with his perfectly lean frame in a pair of grey jeans, a plain black t-shirt, a black biker jacket and a pair of black combat boots to complete the look. The flamboyant 80s rock star type quiff on his head just enhances his maddening hotness.</p><p>I’m mesmerised by him. Perhaps I’m being a little too superstitious but as far as I know, it’s never a good sign when one’s ex walks back into their life looking more sizzling than ever.</p><p>“Hi.” Even says when he reaches the table. My heart is beating so loud that I almost miss the greeting entirely.</p><p>“Hey.” Jonas replies and promptly invites Even to sit next to him.</p><p>I don’t miss the surprised look that flickers across Even’s face as he gets settled in his seat. He’s probably puzzled by Jonas’ presence here. I now realise that maybe I should have told him I was bringing a friend.</p><p>To distract from the awkwardness threatening to consume us, I rush to do introductions. “This is my good friend and flatmate, Jonas Velasquez.”</p><p>Even smiles at Jonas. “It’s nice to meet you.”</p><p>“Jonas, this is Even Bech Naesheim, a good friend from my college days back in Oslo.”</p><p>The ‘good friend’ part earns me a quick, subtle glance from Even but thankfully there is no indication that he is particularly bothered by the introduction.</p><p>“Nice to meet you too, Even.” Jonas offers a kind smile. “Should we order you a beer before order the food?”</p><p>“No beer for me tonight.” Even politely declines. </p><p>Well I need all the alcohol I can get. This is going to be a long ass evening. </p><p>*********</p><p>The bucket of chicken eventually arrives and we all start digging in. I take the first bite and the flavour bursts in my mouth, leaving me utterly amazed by the flavourful spices. I lift my head and find Jonas staring at me with a knowing smile. “Good huh.” He says, wiggling his rather attention-grabbing thick eyebrows.</p><p>“Yeah. It really is. What’s in this?”</p><p>“As if they’d tell us.” Jonas scoffs and rolls his eyes without particularly looking that bothered. “It’s a secret recipe or whatever. Isak and I randomly found ourselves here one night a few months ago and we’ve been glued to this place ever since. We are gold status customers. Every Sunday evening we get to attend a free all-you-can-eat buffet. All chicken dishes.”</p><p>“Wow, I envy your success.” I chortle, making Jonas laugh.</p><p>When I first walked in here a little while ago and realised that I wouldn’t be spending the evening alone with Isak, a part of me was disappointed. Now I’m kind of glad that he’s here because he’s certainly lighting up the unexpectedly awkward atmosphere between Isak and I. Isak seems very nervous and edgy, as am I, so leaving us alone together right now would be one hell of an awkward disaster. The air is extremely thick between us because of the questions hanging in the air; questions I can’t be certain Isak is ready to hear or answer. A lot is unresolved between Isak and I. He has some explaining to do and I have some apologies to make. I thought we’d have the chance to clear everything up tonight but I guess that won’t be happening since Jonas is here.</p><p>I get the feeling that Isak invited Jonas to avoid talking to me about our past.</p><p>I glance at Isak and he’s busy with his food, eyes downcast.</p><p>Isak hasn't changed much. He still avoids eye contact when he is uncomfortable. I’m staring at him and thinking I haven’t changed much either because I’m still every bit enthralled by Isak now as I was 5 years ago. I'm still entranced by his adorable Cupid's bowl and the way he smiles almost tentatively, like he is self-conscious about his gapped teeth. I can recall the times I spent reassuring him about it, reminding him of how much I love. His smile, how charmingly unique I think his gapped teeth are.</p><p>There is also the nice way his shoulders fill out his shirt he’s wearing. I like the shirt. It’s the same shade of green as his eyes.</p><p>“So, Even, what do you do?” Jonas asks, claiming my attention and once again coming through to create some much needed conversation.</p><p>“I do a lot of freelance work.”</p><p>“Such as?”</p><p>“I do some script-writing for small film productions, life modelling, photography, painting and drawing.”</p><p>That gets Isak’s attention for some reason and he looks up, interest glinting in his eyes. “No film directing?” He asks.</p><p>“Well after…the incident, I went into other fields of art.” I explain, careful not to relay any details about the particular incident just in case Jonas isn’t in the know. “I’ve sort of always liked many forms of expression anyway, so I didn’t mind giving up film directing.”</p><p>“Are you happy?” There is a slightly unnerving seriousness to Isak’s tone of voice and his gaze when he asks that question. I wonder whether he’s asking because he cares or because he’s just curious.</p><p>“I am most of the time.”</p><p>“That’s all that matters.”</p><p>“Are you a practising doctor like you always wanted?” I ask him.</p><p>He hesitates a little and judging by the look on his face, he doesn’t want to say. I’m about to vocally dismiss the question when he suddenly answers. “I’m a pharmacist.”</p><p>That is not what I’m expecting at all. Thousands of questions come up in my head. I want to know how he went from medicine to pharmacy, where, when and how he studied pharmacy, what experiences he had while changing career paths, and so many more things but I realise I can’t ask them all, so I go for the most necessary questions. “Did you complete your degree in medicine?”</p><p>Isak shakes his head with a small smile. He looks kind of sad. “When I moved away, I couldn’t afford to go back to medical school, so I found some work and saved up for the next best, most affordable course in the health field. That’s pharmacy.”</p><p>“Are <em>you</em> happy?” I toss his earlier question back at him.</p><p>“I am most of the time.” He also parrots my answer with a tiny playful smile.</p><p>“Half the time you mean.” Jonas jumps in, negating Isak’s answer. He turns to me and waits until he’s swallowed his food to say. “The hours at Isak’s job are too long, there is no overtime pay and he has a co-worker he can’t stand.”</p><p>I kind of appreciate that Jonas already trusts me enough to tell me this stuff about Isak.</p><p>“Sounds tough but then again what job isn’t?!”</p><p>“Exactly.” Isak says</p><p>“What do you do, Jonas?”</p><p>“I’m a pastry chef.”</p><p>“He is also my private chef at home.” For the first time this evening, Isak smiles in a way that reaches his eyes, bringing his beer bottle to his lips to take a sip.</p><p>Dinner progresses moderately smoothly from there. Isak appears to relax a bit once he’s downed several beers. After exhausting topics related to current career paths, we start talking about life in Kirkenes, some politics, the weather and whatever other mundane topic of conversation that pops up. I think it’s more comfortable this way, especially since Isak and I are not alone.</p><p>After we’ve all finished eating, Jonas excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. I half expect Isak to go with him just so that he doesn’t have to be left alone with me at the table, but I guess Isak is being ballsier about this than I thought.</p><p>It’s quiet after Jonas leaves. Every time our gazes lock, we exchange silent smiles while sipping on our drinks.  </p><p>“I’m really happy to see you again, and that you are doing well for yourself.” Isak finally says and it’s so abrupt, making me conclude that the silence was getting a bit too deafening for him.</p><p>“I feel the same way.”</p><p>“I forgot to ask about your parents when we met at the supermarket. How are they doing?”</p><p>“Dad is fine and enjoying his work. He left investment banking to do consultancy at a brokerage firm.”</p><p>“Good for him. And your mum?”</p><p>“She had to retire early after developing a heart problem.”</p><p>Isak’s face dulls with concern. “Is it serious?”</p><p>“Not anymore. She’s recovering very well now.”</p><p>“That’s a relief. It’s sad though that she had to retire early.” Isak’s lips curve into a fond smile. “I remember how happy she was teaching.”</p><p>“Not all is lost. She now teaches English online.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s nice.”</p><p>“And your parents? How are they these days?”</p><p>The smile on Isak’s face disappears and his expression closes up instantly. “I wouldn’t know. We are not in touch.” He said quickly and dismissively. Before I can ask him any further questions, he swiftly changes the subject. “Come on; let’s get a better view of the park over there.” He suggests, inclining his head towards the balcony railing. “You’ll like it.” he gets up and makes the few steps to the railing and stands there, leaning his elbows on it, beer in one hand and all. I join him there, standing beside him, a few meters away to create some personal space between us.</p><p>We stand there in silence staring at the view of the park.</p><p>I take a peek at Isak and find that his focus is no longer on the view. His head is bowed while he’s pensively staring down at the bottle in his hand. I’m taken aback by how staggeringly fore lone he looks.  </p><p>I don’t know what is plaguing his mind but I have a feeling that it has a lot to do with me and my walking back into his life.</p><p>“A penny for your thoughts?” I tell him, daring to take a step closer to him. Just one step because I’m afraid of how Isak will react if I get any closer.  </p><p>Isak unexpectedly lets out a quiet, chilling mirthless laugh. “You don’t want to know.”</p><p>“Maybe I do. I asked after all.”</p><p>He finally lifts his gaze and turns towards me. “Since you insist. I kind of regret meeting up with you tonight. I feel like I foolishly walked into a trap. This isn’t the last you intend to see me, is it? After this you’ll show up again and invite me to catch up some more or something.”</p><p>I stare into his deep set, green eyes then; eyes that were once vibrant and full of adventure but are now filled with hesitance and sadness, fear; eyes that cut me so deep because they communicate too well how he is pleading with me to disappear from his life again.</p><p>Isak’s eyes have always been a huge window to his heart for the most part. It’s a quality I love about him even though I didn’t like the things I saw written in there sometimes.  </p><p>I lift my hand and gently place it on his cheek. He faintly flinches but he doesn’t pull away entirely despite the palpable tension in him.</p><p>He doesn’t push me away even when my senses take too much pleasure in the feel of his skin against mine and I let my fingers caress his temple, down to his cheek. His skin is so soft and warm, just as smooth and wonderful as I remember. “To be honest I thought I was on the road to getting over you but then I saw you again this week all my feelings for you just came flooding back. I think I still love you, Isak.”  </p><p>Isak’s eyes widen and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down. “Is that possible after all these years? After what happened to us?”</p><p>“Yes it is because I never fell out of love with you to begin with. Things only ended between us because you walked away.”</p><p> “Surely you met other people in all this time.”</p><p>“I did, but I don’t think I ever really moved on from you. If I were over you I wouldn’t be feeling this giddy about seeing you again. I can’t stop thinking about you.”</p><p>“Even….” Isak trails off, visibly lost for words.</p><p>“I never should have let you walk out of my life 5 years ago. I’ve never regretted anything in my life the way I regret letting you go. Now this opportunity has presented itself and I feel like I’ll suffer more regret if I don’t make use of it to fix what’s broken between us.”</p><p>“I have a whole new life now, Even.” he sighs miserably. “Of course I’ve missed you too in more ways than one but things are difficult now. We can’t just pick up where we left off.”</p><p>“Why can’t we? Why can’t I love you?”</p><p>“You know why.”</p><p>Yes I do why but I still wish we could leave all that guilt, regret and bitterness in the past, try to heal, to mend each other and to move on.</p><p>“Isak, I let you go once. I won’t let you go again.” I repeat, more vehemently</p><p>“You <em>should</em> let me go.”</p><p>“Are you seeing someone else?”</p><p>“Well….yes…sort of…I’m in between-” He flounders</p><p>“So that’s a no then.” I impatiently cut off his bad attempt at lying. He was always so bad at lying. It’s amazing how Isak seems entirely different now yet not different at all at the same time. “By the way when you took off unannounced, that really hurt.”</p><p>I see regret and guilt flicker across his face but those are not the emotions I want to see across his handsome features. I want to see a smile on his face, some hope, a sign that he is as thrilled as I am that we’ve reunited. I have no idea what’s whirring in his head and it’s driving me insane. While I can still easily read most of his emotions, I can’t quite read his thoughts. That part of Isak is now closed and so is every door I’m trying to open to his heart. I can feel the wall there and for now I have no idea where to even begin tearing it down.</p><p>“What I did was messed up. I know. That doesn’t change anything though. What we had is in the past.”</p><p>“I disagree.”</p><p> “Don’t do this to me. Not now. All that stuff is behind me. I’ve moved on.” Isak insistently says to me, but the more he says it the more I get the sinking feeling that he’s trying to convince himself more than me.</p><p>At face value he seems to be saying that the romance we once shared is now long forgotten as far as he is concerned, but my sixth sense tells me that there is more Isak is implying here.  </p><p>“What stuff is behind you?” I ask carefully because maybe the answer is something I might not be ready to hear.</p><p>“I’ve worked hard to let go of the past and make some changes in my life...” he makes an abrupt and long pause seemingly to regroup. “I can’t be with you because I’m not gay anymore, Even.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jonas walks in on something Isak never intended for him to ever see and find out. Now Isak has A LOT of explaining to do</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Even freezes and then he just stares at me with the most puzzled expression I’ve ever seen on his face. He closes his eyes for two seconds and they are uncharacteristically grim when he opens them again. “I don’t understand.”</p><p>“I’m straight now.”</p><p>“You weren’t even bisexual when we dated. How are you straight now?”</p><p>“It’s been 5 years. People change.” It’s not the best lie but it’s what I can reach for now and it just has to do because it’s closest to the truth. I genuinely do not want to date other guys at the moment.</p><p>It’s obvious Even doesn’t believe me though. His eyes are narrowed with suspicion as he quietly regards me like he is planning his next step after the latest development.</p><p>“Isak……” Even breathes my name with such agony as he ambles closer yet, so close that my breathe hitches in my throat.</p><p>I swallow thickly, my heart rate picking up pace. I’m about to take an instinctive step back when Even’s arm shoots out and wraps firmly around my waist, pressing me flush against him. Blood rushes to my cheeks as my body betrays me and reacts to the proximity in a way that refutes everything I just told Even.</p><p>Not to mention that it turns out I’m not quite as over Even as I thought. He’s only holding my waist and I’m already all kinds of flustered.</p><p>I’m breathing so heavily and I’m pretty sure I’m shaking all over. My reaction seems to give Even the confidence he needs and before I know it, his other arm also wraps around me. This is all so familiar and thoughts of moments like these from our past come flooding through my mind; how much I loved it when Even held me like this, how flustered it made me, how needy we were for each other’s touch.  </p><p>The truth is that I still feel that way now. For goodness’ sake it’s been 5 years. How hard can it be to get over Even Bech Naesheim?</p><p>Extremely hard apparently.</p><p>Even leans in so close until our noses are almost touching. “You feel it too, right? I know you do.”</p><p>The tiny part of my brain that’s surprisingly not fried right now reminds me that this is dangerous territory and that I need to run. I reach for Even’s arms to yank them off me but my arms stop mid-air when Even presses our lips together, obliterating all my thoughts and leaving me to just… feel.</p><p>To feel his soft and warm lips moving slowly and softly against mine, gently coaxing me to kiss back. My mind is in a battle with my body and my body is totally winning. My lips part with a low moan and Even seizes the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth.</p><p>I think I actually see stars when he does that, among other cheesy and embarrassing shit that Even has always had the capability to make me see and feel. He is licking into my mouth and sucking my tongue with such hunger and such fire. I’d forgotten how Even’s kisses are almost as hot as having sex with him. Almost.</p><p>And my treacherous body never fails to react accordingly. I can feel myself hardening in the confines on my pants and Even is no better if the hardness of his cock pressing against my belly is any indication. My thirst matches his and there is no traces of my pride and reservations now as my hands curl into the front of Even’s jacket while I tip my head back further to allow him to deepen the kiss some more, to pull more dirty moans from me. </p><p>This kiss is so loaded, and it’s saying so much. I can feel Even telling me that this is a beginning, a promise of much more to come. It’s all making me dizzier and my knees might give out any moment. </p><p>A noisy harrumph forces us apart and I push Even away and jerk away so fast that I nearly stumble to the floor. Luckily my reflexes work fast and I grab hold of the railing to steady myself on my feet.</p><p>It’s Jonas. He is standing there and staring stark shocked. As much as I want to rush to explain, there is nothing to say. Judging by how hot my face feels and the throbbing in my lips, my cheeks are visibly red and my lips are visibly swollen.</p><p>A quick glance at Even clearly indicates that he is no better.</p><p>My embarrassment worsens when I’m reminded of the hardness in my pants. That’s probably visible too. Gosh I want to die. Just as I feared, the façade I’ve worked hard to create the past five years is unravelling thanks to Even walking back into my life. I bet Jonas has plenty of questions running through his mind right now.</p><p>Ever easily charming, Even swoops in and smoothly talks to Jonas with a smile. “Isak and I were just talking.” Even says and that stupid ass explanation- if I can even call it that- has me looking at him with a frown that says <em>really?</em></p><p>Jonas gives me a look before sliding his gaze to Even. “It looks a lot like I’ve interrupted something. I can always leave you two alone.”</p><p>“That’s okay. Isak and I can finish this conversation later.” Even turns his gaze towards me and gives me a sultry wink. My heart stutters in my chest. What the fuck!</p><p>“So everything is cool here?” Jonas asks rather tentatively, asking mostly me as he slowly steps forward towards Even and I. I’m still desperately trying to gain back some control over this embarrassing situation but I just don’t know how when Jonas’ gaze is intently on me. Even has his elbow propped up on the railing while his other hand in shoved into his pants pocket. He seems to be doing a much better job of recovering from the foreplay we just had on a fucking restaurant balcony. What a Jerk. A hot jerk.</p><p>“Yeah.” I manage to say</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Everything’s fine. I have an early start at work tomorrow. I think we should call it night and head home now.” I declare before I do any more stupid shit this evening. “I hope you guys don’t mind.”</p><p>“Not at all. We’ll hang out together again, right Jonas?” Even says, taking care not to ask me because he knows I’ll say no.</p><p>Jonas is nice enough to gauge my reaction, silently asking my take of the issue, before giving Even an answer.</p><p>I can’t be certain what expression I’m wearing on my face now but whatever it is can’t have all that much trepidation considering what Jonas says next.</p><p>“It would be nice hanging out again, Even. We’ll be in touch.”</p><p>Even shoots Jonas a satisfied smile and then he fully turns towards me, reaching out and putting his hands on my shoulders. I tense up, just shy of flinching away. “Isak, I meant what I said. I won’t let you go this time.” he says softly, easily but with enough resolve to make my world quake.</p><p>*********</p><p>You: I kissed Isak</p><p>I text Mikael the moment he walks out of the restaurant into the warm night air that’s not doing much to help me cool off after the hot kiss I just had with Isak.</p><p>Mikael doesn’t reply. He does however call long after I’ve arrived home, showered and changed into more comfortable clothes.</p><p>“Please tell me you are kidding.” Mikael says, jumping straight to the point the moment I answer.</p><p>I turn over onto my belly on my bed, holding my phone to my ear. “I’m not kidding.” My left hand forefinger and thumb are nervously twiddling with the corner of my pillow case because I’m nervous as fuck about what Mikael will have to say about this.</p><p>“Well did he punch you in the face?”</p><p>“He kissed back.”</p><p>“What!” Mikael exclaims. “Wait a minute! I need to get settled for this.” The line goes quiet save for some shuffling noises. This goes on for maybe about a minute and then Mikael comes back. “Okay start from the beginning.”</p><p>“Isak and I ad friend chicken with his friend and then we kissed.” I rush to explain so that we get to Mikael’s opinion and quickly as possible.</p><p>“In front of his friend?”</p><p>“After the friend went to the bathroom.”</p><p>“You opportunistic bastard.” There is just enough fondness in Mikael’s voice to put a small smile on my face and ease my nerves a little. “So do you still have feelings for him or what?”</p><p>“I wasn’t sure at first but now I’m sure I do.”</p><p>“Oh God.” Mikael groans almost miserably. “Here we go again.”</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“It means you are at it again falling stupidly in love with Isak.”</p><p>“Isak is a lovable guy.”</p><p>“hm sure he is. It’s been 5 years, man. What the hell?”</p><p>“I guess there are some things one can’t get over. Like a first love.”</p><p>“Right.” Mikael sounds so miffed that I can almost <em>hear</em> him rolling his eyes at me. “You don’t even know who or what Isak has become after all these years.”</p><p>“I want to spend time finding out.”</p><p>“Do you hear yourself and how ridiculous you sound? This is almost as bad as that time a few years back when you had that grand idea to set out on a trip all over to Norway to look for Isak.”</p><p>I let out a mirthless laugh. “I remember that. I should have known right then that I would never really fall out of love with Isak.” </p><p>“That’s all theoretically beautiful but considering how ugly things got between you, I think it’s in both your best interest to move on.”</p><p>“I was willing to try and move on but then Isak kissed me back and everything changed. He still has feelings for me. I just now it.”</p><p>“What if you are wrong?”</p><p>“That’s a possibility but I won’t find out the truth by sitting around pretending Isak means nothing to me. Destiny and fate pulled us back to each other for a reason. Maybe it’s a chance to rekindle what we had and maybe to have closure. Either way I have to confront this or I’ll regret wasting this opportunity.”</p><p>“I hate it when you make so much sense. It just reminds me that you are not only more handsome than I, but smarter as well. Stop throwing it in my face, you punk.”</p><p>I laugh and just like that the heaviness in my chest is alleviated.</p><p>*********</p><p>The next morning, I wake up to a text message from Even and he’s attached an image to it. I take a moment to rub the sleep out of my eyes so that I see more clearly.</p><p>It’s an image of the sunrise. I’m assuming he took it himself.</p><p>At first it’s just an image but then I sit up in bed and spend more time just staring at it, then it starts sinking in. The picture Is beautiful. So inspired and much more than just a sunset it depicts a healthy, rich, in-depth brightens and light to inspire hope and joy. Just looking at it, I can feel a slight glimmer of brightens unfurl in inside my chest and it slowly seeps into the dark, sad places of my heart that torture me with hurt every day.</p><p>This one image is more healing than any piece of art I’ve seen in a long time. </p><p>Jonas bursts into my room without knocking and I look up, putting my phone away.</p><p>“What’s got you smiling in the morning? That almost never happens.” Jonas says as he walks towards me, gets on my bed and lies down next to me with his head propped up on his elbow.</p><p>“I saw a picture.” I say as if that should explain everything.</p><p>Jonas blinks at me and my heart lurches in my chest. I know there are a lot of things he’s wondering right now and he’s bound to ask questions very soon. Questions like why I was kissing a guy last night when I’m supposed to be straight, and who Even is. Last night Jonas and I came back home in silence mostly. I don’t know why he didn’t ask then but I think I appreciated that. I was in no way ready to talk.</p><p>As if Jonas is reading my mind, he says. “So aren't we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”</p><p>Apparently we are finally having this conversation now. he I take a subtle deep breath to prepare.</p><p>“What elephant?” I’m just stalling really.</p><p>“I caught you kissing a, bro. I think that warrants a conversation.”</p><p>I try to shrug as casually as possible. “It was nothing. Even just...we ...it...” I flounder and since I’m such a bad liar, I end up blurting out the truth of exactly how I’m feeling right nwo. “There is a long story I so don’t want to share.”</p><p>“I'll summarise for you. Are you bisexual? Yes or no?”</p><p>“No. I'm straight.”</p><p>“It didn’t seem that way with the way you were clinging to Even and sucking tongues with him.”</p><p>“It wasn't that bad.”</p><p>“Someone could get turned on from watching that display.”</p><p>“Alright, alright I get it.”</p><p>“You seemed to be so into it.”</p><p>“Jonas, I get it.” I say with a pained look on my face and for the first time since this uncomfortable conversation started, Jonas smile. That oddly puts me at ease because I’m reminded that Jonas is my good friend who cares a great deal about me and has shared in a lot of my joy and pain over the past 4 years. I shouldn’t be this tense and anxious about having an honest conversation with him.  </p><p>Again like he’s read my mind, he quietly mutters. “So, are you into boys? It's totally cool, man. I'll still love you the same.”  </p><p>That sparks a glimmer of hope and courage inside me- faith that maybe this friendship is different. Hope that maybe Jonas won’t abandon me like all my old friends did after they found out I was gay. Jonas is the only friend and family I have and my greatest fear is losing him, but I also can’t force myself to be someone Jonas can be friends with.</p><p>Nothing ever survives on lies or half-truths. This is my chance to come clean. If I lie now and Jonas finds out the truth anyway later, that could really put an end to our friendship for good.</p><p>Staying friends with me has to be Jonas’ choice after he’s seen all sides of me.</p><p>“I um…Even is my ex….boyfriend.” I finally admit and then take a pause to gauge his reaction before I go on. Jonas surprisingly remains unfazed.</p><p>When the uncomfortable silence persists, Jonas shifts a little and shrugs one shoulder. “That explains a lot.”</p><p>“Why Even and I were making out last night?”</p><p>“Why I’ve never seen you that invested in the girls you briefly dated back in college and why you still never really look twice at a hot girl. You are not attracted to girls, are you?”</p><p>After a moment’s hesitation, I shake my head. “Okay.” Jonas replies. “So what’s the celibacy thing about? Why not just date who you want to date?”</p><p>Since Jonas is being so cool about what I’ve said for far, I have renewed courage to tell him my entire story. “As you know before I moved to Kirkenes, I lived in Oslo. I started studying medicine at University of Oslo. There I met Even, a film direction and cinematography student. I wasn’t out before he and I met. Anyway we met and fell in love. Everything was great. One day Even got the grand idea to make a sex tape or whatever.” I deliberately leave out the part about Even’s bipolar and the fact that he was manic when the incident happened. Jonas is a precious friend to me but not to Even, so I have to protect Even’s personal information and integrity.”</p><p>“I didn’t know about any of it.” I continue. “He wanted to gift it to me later because he thought I’d think it was cool. We were sort of crazy and rowdy like that. Thing is despite how crazy we were, no one knew we were dating. Even didn’t like hiding and but I wasn’t ready to tell my school friends or my very religious parents. Growing up in the church was a huge part of why I couldn’t publicly come out. Even made the sex tape then his friends happened to stumble upon it and from there one or all of them spread it around….” I stop assuming Jonas gets the picture.</p><p>His eyes widen and his lips for an ‘o’.</p><p>“To say what happened next was a disaster is an understatement. Everything changed for Even and I after that day. Sure some fellow students didn’t mind but those that were disgusted made sure we knew they were disgusted. My friends were shocked of course and in the end they couldn’t take the hustle that came with being associated with me, so they ghosted me.”</p><p>“That’s fucking messed up.”</p><p>“All of Even’s friends disassociated themselves from him too, except one. The tape incident reached the principle and Even and I got kicked out of school for spreading pornographic material. Even though it wasn’t intentional, the school had low tolerance for the kind of thing.  My parents couldn’t even look me in the eye. Getting kicked out of school was disappointing for them, yes, but what upset them most was the shame I brought them at church. I understood them too. Some of the kids at school also attended my church, so news of the tape easily reached the church leaders. Our so-called church family was brutal with the rancour and gossip. In the end my parents had to move to another church and when it became increasingly difficult for them to deal with the whole situation, dad helped me acquire a flat to stay at while I figured out the next step in my life.”</p><p>“So that’s why you aren’t your parents still aren’t on speaking terms.”</p><p>I nod and Jonas asks. “Where was Even while you were going through all that hell?”</p><p>“Dying of guilt somewhere I guess. His parents were a whole lot more supportive and understanding than mine, but he had it rough too because he lost friends and mostly because he blamed himself for everything.”</p><p>“Well it was his fault, wouldn’t you say?”</p><p>My lips part to reply and it’s to defend Even but then I realise that it’ll be hard for me to make Jonas understand my viewpoint if he doesn’t know that Even wasn’t in his right might when the incident happened. So I simply shrug, and more or less dismiss the question. “The point is I couldn’t stay in Oslo. Not with all the embarrassment and resentment. I asked my dad for a small loan I could use to leave town and start over elsewhere. He was more than happy to oblige.”</p><p>Jonas hisses. “Ouch.”</p><p>“I still understand my parents’ feelings. I put them through hell.”</p><p>“It wasn’t your fault though.”</p><p>“Still. If I were straight-”</p><p>“But you are not straight and that’s not your fault either.” Jonas interjects, speaking quite vehemently. “Being gay isn’t some shame, curse or embarrassment.”<br/>“It cost me my whole life though. I lost everything because I loved another boy.”</p><p>Jonas lets out a sigh. “Did all that shit scare you off dating other guys? Is that why you are celibate?”</p><p>I nod again. “It’s just… I can’t lose any more. The video of me having sex with someone wasn’t the problem for most people. The problem was that the other person was a guy. I didn’t know how judgemental and self-righteous people can be until then. I want to take my life back and do what I want but it’s so damn uncomfortable. The way people treated me back then when they found out I was gay, my own family and friends- that shit still haunts me a lot. I’m not attracted to women and I can’t bring myself to date men without thinking about what that did to me in the past. That’s how my sexless existence started till now.</p><p>“That might be the saddest thing I ever heard, bro.” Jonas sits up and looks me square in the eye. “I don’t know if you intended on ever telling me any of this, but I’m sort of relieved that you did. It feels good understanding you better. I’ve had a lot of questions about…some of your choices.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this sooner.” A mirthless laugh escapes me and I lower my gaze to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. “I can’t believe you are not judging me right now.”</p><p>“I can’t apologise for those assholes you had for friends back then, but I’ll tell you what they should have said to you. It’s okay to be who you are and do whatever the fuck you want. I’m your friend no matter what.” Jonas smiles. And opens his arms. “Now bring it in. I know you want a hug.”</p><p> Half laughing and half crying because I’m both amused and deeply touched, I scoot closer to Jonas and accept the hug.</p><p>*********</p><p>“I’m taking it Even is still into you.” Jonas says. We’ve moved to the kitchen to have breakfast. He’s made eggs and toast for us, bless him and we are sitting on opposite ends of our small table, digging in.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Well that explains why he was staring at you like that at dinner yesterday.” Jonas chuckles. “You can imagine the number of questions I had in my head. Anyway what about you?”</p><p>“What about me?”</p><p>“Do you still like him?”</p><p>I frantically fiddle with my food to act busy so that I don’t have to make eye contact with Jonas or he might see how fucking confused I am. “No.”</p><p>“That kiss said otherwise, bro.”</p><p>“I was caught up in memory lane, that’s all.” I quickly throw out and proceed to drink my coffee to act casual about the whole thing, like there is nothing to say or explain.</p><p>Jonas gives me a deadpan look. “Meaning you are still into Even.”</p><p>I let out a sigh and put my coffee down because now Jonas is looking at me like we are totally having this conversation even if he has to pull information out of me. “He was a big and important part of my life for 2 years, so I admit he means more to me than any of the guys I tried to date after. Aside from that I think I’m over Even. It’s been 5 years after all.”</p><p>Jonas slowly nods, staring at me in a way he does when he doesn’t believe me at all. In a way I don’t believe myself either. That kiss with Even painted a whole colour on things for me. I didn’t expect to react like to him after all these years. Hell I didn’t think he still had the kind of feelings for me that I felt when he kissed me. “Whatever the kiss was is irrelevant. The point is that I’m not going back to Even.”</p><p>For the first time since this conversation started, Jonas appears to sympathise with me. “Because you are not ready to start dating dudes again?” he asks and I note that his voice has taken a gentler quality to it.</p><p>On regular day I wouldn’t admit that I’m scared but there is no point of pretending now after I just told Jonas everything.” Yes.” I whisper to my plate. “And even if I were interested in dating guys again, I wouldn’t want to go back to Even. I’d rather keep whatever we had in the past and start afresh with someone new.”</p><p>Jonas shifts a little in his seat, suddenly looking uncomfortable and I know this expression his face. He’s about to say something he’s afraid might offend me. “Have you considered counselling?”</p><p>I raise my eyebrows at him, genuinely surprised by the question. “No. counselling for what?”</p><p>“I mean it’ been 5 years and that sex tape incident still has you all sorts of guarded. Maybe you should be talking to someone about it.”</p><p>“I’m talking to you about it.”</p><p>“I love you, man, but I’m not a professional psychologist.”</p><p>“Psychologist?” I splutter, horrified. “Are we using words like that now?”</p><p>Jonas raises his hands in a placating manner. “No pressure. It’s only a suggestion. I want to see you free and happy. You want to please your parents with the hope that you’ll reconcile with them and you are also afraid of society judging you for being gay. I get all that, but you are not getting any younger. It’s about time you really put the past behind you and find a way to be wholeheartedly happy with yourself and who you are.”</p><p>I know Jonas means well and he’s so right. I just…counselling? The idea has never come to me. I’ve never considered myself that messed up. I’ve heard about how one doesn’t have to be that messed up to get some counselling but I still never considered the option.</p><p>“How about Even?” Jonas is speaking. “How did he handle the disaster?”</p><p>“The Even I knew back then probably blamed himself. I still feel bad about walking out of Even’s life without letting him know that I’ve never hated him for what he did. He’s a really great guy and I hate to imagine the agony he must have gone through when I left.”</p><p>“I noticed that he’s a nice guy. I guess I’ll lean with that impression of him. After all we’ve all made mistakes and done stupid shit in our lives.”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>“I take it that apart from your parents you didn’t intend on anyone else from Oslo ever getting in touch with you.”</p><p>“You can say that. I had to change my phone number and stuff.”</p><p>Realisation dawns on Jonas. “So that’s why you are not on any social media. I’ve always found that so weird. I mean in this day and age everyone is on facebook at least.”</p><p>We both fall silent for a moment; quietly chewing our food, and then Jonas speaks up again. “Even is back now. What are you going to do about that?”</p><p>“I have to make him understand that he and I are history.”</p><p>“Good luck, man.”</p><p>“Don’t you think I’m capable of being assertive?”</p><p>“Oh I know that you are one stubborn dude. Problem is I’ve also seen the way Even looks at you. I’ve also seen you two making out, so I don’t think he’s going to be easy to get rid of.”</p><p>I won’t admit it vocally, but I know that Jonas is so damn right. Even brought me out of the shell I was hiding in once in the past. It’s certainly <em>not</em> impossible for him to do it again.</p><p>What’s more, I can’t pretend there is entirely nothing left between Even I. My reaction to him last night when he kissed me speaks volumes about very live feelings I thought were buried.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Even unceremoniously shows up at Isak's job and apparently that's enough to throw the lid off Isak's carefully hidden emotions and reveal that he isn't as done with Even as he claims to be.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alongside chapter 4s of this story and "gentle pursuit", I've posted a fluffy evak drabble called "beers over flowers". Please go and support it. Thank you again for all the love and dedication you guys are showing my stories&lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a pretty regular slow Thursday morning for me, boring as hell, barely any customers walking into the pharmacy. I have my co-worker Magnus tuned out while he prattles on about whatever God forsaken story he has to share with me today. It’s business as usual; until something utterly shocking happens and turns my normal morning upside down.</p><p>Even casually walks into my workplace and my breath hitches in dismay as I watch him approach the counter I’m standing behind. It’s impossible not to notice how good he looks in black denims and a grey collarless shirt.</p><p>“Hi.” Even says when he reaches the counter. I notice the navy blue back pack he’s carrying and it looks like one of those modern, stylish types that amazon always recommends for me whenever I’m looking for a silly T-shirt with a cartoon character on it to buy next. Glancing down as his hands as he braces them on the counter, there is a strings and ropes bracelet on his left wrist. I admit the look is severely cool. Trust Even to look great in everything and to make everything look great. “Hi.” Even repeats and I snap out of my ogling, flushing when Even gives me a knowing grin. He knows he’s mesmerizing.</p><p>Jerk.</p><p>“Hello, Even.” I finally reply after gathering my wits. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Even looks to his left and then the right before looking back at me. “This is a pharmacy, right?”</p><p>“Yes, Even.”</p><p>“Then I’m in the right place.”</p><p>“So while looking for a pharmacy you conveniently just happened to come to where I work.” I mutter with a deadpan expression my face.</p><p>Even shrugs. “I like to think I’m a lucky bastard.”</p><p>I snort. “Very lucky apparently.”</p><p>Even smiles heartily, full teeth out and eyes crinkled and I feel a little jump inside my chest. I guess I still appreciate how lovely his smile is. Seriously the guy has the sweetest smile in the world. I’m yet to see one better.</p><p>“As bad as all this makes me look, I’m seriously here on important business. I need Topamax and Imitrex. Probably ibuprofen as well.”</p><p>His answer disarms me entirely and my arms slowly uncross to fall to my sides. “oh.” I’m pretty sure my face is clouded with concern- which is thankfully normal for a professional, reliable pharmacist. At least I think so.</p><p>“Are you treating a migraine headache?”</p><p>“Since last night I can feel one coming on now and I’ve run out of medication.”</p><p>“May I see your doctor’s prescription?”</p><p>Even reaches into his jeans pocket and takes out a folded piece of paper. I take it from him, unfold it and take a look at the details of what medication Even is on.</p><p>I nod. “Hold on.” I walk to the prescriptions section of the pharmacy in the back to grab the right drugs and return to the counter to write down the dosage details. I can feel Even’s eyes on me while I’m working and I glance up. He really is staring with a little smile on his face. “What?”</p><p>“I didn’t know anyone could look good in a lab coat.”</p><p>“You can’t help sneaking in a cheesy compliment, can you?”</p><p>“I’m an artist. We can’t help appreciating nice things.”</p><p>I smile in spite of myself and hand Even the medication. I happen to take a closer look at Even’s face and notice the exhaustion written in his eyes and around them what with the dark circles there. I glance at his bag again and wonder if he’s still working today. “Hey, you are heading home now to rest, right? You need rest.”   </p><p>Even takes the prescription and medication from me. “Yeah I’m going home for the rest of the day.”</p><p>“Take a lot of water and actually lie down. Don’t get any bright ideas.” I add and his gaze warms with delight like he is just enjoying the care and attention. I roll my eyes at him, fighting back a smile. “Pharmacist’s instructions.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Seriously, take care of yourself.”</p><p>“I’ve gotten better at detecting the symptoms of my migraines these days. that gives me some better control over the situation.”</p><p>I’m sincerely relieved to hear that. “Good for you. Magnus will process your purchase.” I point to my far left where our cashier Magnus is standing.</p><p>“Thanks. See you again, Isak.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p>Even moves on to make the payment and my eyes naturally follow him because there is nothing else to do or look at in the store. It’s easier for me to pretend it has nothing to do with how charismatic Even is. After he’s handed Magnus a card, he points at the jar of lollipops. “I’ll have 3 of those.”</p><p>Done processing everything, Magnus hands Even back the card as well as the three lollipops. Even takes one. “You can have one and give the other to Isak. Just a little good cheer for your day.”</p><p>Magnus glances at the lollipops with a frown on his face then he looks at me with askance.  I merely offer him a shrug and leave it at that.</p><p>Magnus turns his attention back to Even with a huge smile on his face. “Thank you, dear customer. We all need as much cheer as we can get.”</p><p>“You are welcome. Enjoy.” Even replies</p><p>“Good day.” Magnus says.</p><p>Even sends me one last wave and a wink then he’s out the door.</p><p>“Nice guy huh.” Magnus tells me, slowly walking toward me and closing the short distance between us.</p><p>“I guess.”</p><p>“Not that I was being nosy or anything, but I noticed the interaction between the two of you. You seemed familiar. Do you know Even Bech Naesheim by any chance?”</p><p>I’m assuming Magnus found out what Even’s name is while processing his purchase. I want to roll my eyes at Magnus because yes he <em>is</em> being nosy. Whenever he’s being nosy he starts by saying he’s not trying to be nosy. “We went to college together.” I tell him most briefly with a clipped tone of voice so that he knows that I’m not interested in taking this conversation any further. But that doesn’t stop him. Nothing ever does.</p><p>“Really?” Magnus’ face brightens. “Were you guys close in school?”</p><p>“Closer than you think.” I deliberately let on because maybe I want Magnus’ mind to run wild with questions he’ll probably be too afraid to ask me.</p><p>“First Jonas and now Even. How do you have such nice friends with your grouchiness?”</p><p>“Not all my friends are nice. There is you.”</p><p>“Aww you called me a friend.” Magnus clutches his chest, looking genuinely pleased. I can’t believe he’s just missed my insult. “I’ve always known that you secretly like me.”</p><p>Yes I do secretly like Magnus because he is a kind and hardworking guy. Sometimes he even surprises me with some amazing insights and conversation. He’s just so <em>extra</em> most of the time and I can’t stand that side of him.</p><p>“Yes I’m like half in love with you.” I drawl sarcastically.</p><p>“I’ll ignore the sarcasm in there.” Magnus appears to remember the lollipops in his hand. “I’ll just have your lollipop as well since you are not a fan.”</p><p>I lunge at Magnus and snatch one lollipop from his hand, probably defying a few laws of violence and personal space in the process. Magnus gapes at me all sorts of shocked and scandalised. “Seriously, Bro?”</p><p>“You have your own damn lollipop. Don’t be selfish.”</p><p>“You hate sweets.”</p><p>“So? This is a gift.”</p><p>For all the shock on Magnus’ face, he doesn’t say anything else thank God.</p><p>**********</p><p>It’s a bit of a chilly evening on my way to the tram stop from work. As I walk passed restaurants and take-out places, I consider stopping by to grab a bite to eat but in the end I’m more interested in sleeping than eating right now. I reach into my jacket pocket to take out my phone so that I can text Jonas and ask if he needs me to get him anything from this part of town. While my hand is in there, I grab hold of something else and take it out.</p><p>It’s that lollipop Even bought me earlier today. At lunch time I put it in my pocket and pretty much forgot about it. I stare at it for a while and my mind wonders off in thought about how Even is doing right now and whether the medicine he purchased is helping him. Back when we dated, Even really struggled with headaches.</p><p>Earlier at the pharmacy he did say he has better control of the headaches now, so that’s something.</p><p>Except….</p><p>I can’t shake off the niggling concern I feel deep down.</p><p>And that’s how I end up sending a text to Even instead of Jonas. There is nothing wrong with just checking up on him.</p><p>Sure things didn’t end well between Even and I but I still have a heart. Showing concern for him doesn’t and shouldn’t feel so scary or uncomfortable.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> How are you feeling? Did you take your medicine?</p><p>I plug in my headsets and listen to some music as I wait for a ride at the tram stop. I’m not sure how many minutes pass, but Even’s reply comes eventually.</p><p><strong>Even:</strong> Hey. My meds are doing their job. I could be worse.</p><p>Some relief courses through me.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> That’s what I was hoping to hear</p><p><strong>Even:</strong> Thanks for checking up on me. Really means a lot.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> No problem. Are you taking water and lying down?</p><p><strong>Even:</strong> YesJ I promise.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> I hope you are also eating as well?</p><p><strong>Even:</strong> At present I can’t really stomach anything but I’ll make something to eat later.</p><p>Later? When the hell is later? This sounds a lot like the Even I once knew who had a habit of putting off meals until a later time which sometimes never came. I can’t believe he still does that even when he’s sick.</p><p>Well he’s a grown man and that’s that. Even’s business is no longer my business.</p><p>But then once I get on the tram, I can’t stop thinking about Even. My chest feels heavier and heavier as the tram moves further away until my damned caring heart becomes impossible to ignore. Before my head or my heart or both explode, I drop off at some place where I can find food. Taking my phone out of my pocket again, I text Even to ask for his address. </p><p>**********</p><p>“What are you frowning about?” Mikael nudges me, forcing me to tear my gaze away from my phone.</p><p>We are sitting next to each other on my couch. Mikael came over a few hours ago to check on me and make sure I’m alive. Since then we’ve been watching stuff on Netflix and chatting. Somewhere in between, Mikael has also been constantly nagging me about how I need to eat something. I agree but I don’t feel like it right now. The last time I tried to stomach something around noon, I threw up most of it because headaches make me queasy.</p><p>To placate Mikael, I’m slowly sipping on some orange juice and that’s thankfully put an end to the nagging for maybe 30 minutes now. In that time I’ve had a chance to recover from how surprised I was to see a text from Isak and currently the fact that he’s on his way to my place.</p><p>To say I’m anxious about Isak coming here is an understatement. If I had the energy to run around like a headless chicken, trying to fix this place up, I would. But I don’t have the strength, so I’m having my little moment of panic as quietly as possible while sitting next to Mikael. I mean this is what I want- to see Isak- but maybe I’m not quite ready. It would be much better for him and I to hang out later when I’m not ill and looking a lot less elegant than usual in a t-shirt and sweats. Isak saw me in looking far worse back in the day but things are different now. No one enjoys having their ex see them looking a mess.</p><p>I couldn’t say no though. Due to how delicate things are between Isak and I. who knows if he’ll ever be willing to see me again if I say no to meeting him now?</p><p>So I sent him my address. That was maybe 15 minutes ago, but I’m still staring down at my phone in disbelief of what I’ve gotten myself into.</p><p>Then Mikael claims my attention and now I’m staring at him with my eyes probably wider than normal. “Isak is coming over.”</p><p>“What?” Mikael splutters and sits up, turning to face me more directly. “why?”</p><p>“I don’t know. He said he was coming over and I didn’t ask why.”</p><p>“How did that conversation start?”</p><p>“Isak just texted to check up on me.”</p><p>“He knows you are sick? You guys talk?”</p><p>“I went and bought some medication today at the pharmacy where he works.”</p><p>Mikael tilts his head to one side, regarding me with a perceptive look on his face. “What a coincidence.” He’s being sarcastic.</p><p>I roll my eyes. “So I wanted to see him.”</p><p>Mikael shakes his head but doesn’t comment on that any further. He asks something else instead. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to let him come here?”</p><p>“As at now no. I’m a mess.” I frown down at my clothes, making Mikael laugh.</p><p>“I can’t believe you just said that. So what are you and Isak doing? What’s your plan now? Are guys hanging out now? Last I asked you said you weren’t sure.”</p><p>I shrug. “Time will tell. At present Isak is coming over maybe because he’s concerned about me. I think this is a great opportunity for us to reconcile and finally bury the past.”</p><p>“And hopefully get back together?”</p><p>“Yes. I want to try and work things out with him but I’m not exactly sure he feels the same way.”</p><p>“You said he kissed you back.”</p><p>“We can’t rule out force of habit.”</p><p>Mikael considers that and then he nods. “That’s true. Since you aren’t sure about where he stands, tread lightly, okay. You don’t want to come on too strong.”</p><p>“Agreed.”</p><p>Mikael stares at me for a few seconds, blinking slowly with a straight face. “You don’t really agree, do you?”</p><p>“Not really.” I admit with a grin on my face. “Love is a battlefield and one has to go hard.”</p><p>“Aww you are so embarrassingly lovesick right now.” Mikael chortles, enjoying himself at my expense. I sit up just to shove him and then lie back down.</p><p>“I bet you want me out of here.” He points out after his laughter has died down.</p><p>My lips stretch into an apologetic smile. “Preferably.”</p><p>“Alright I’ll leave so that you can get in a quick shower and change. For the record I never believed you once all those times you said you were finally getting over Isak. I honestly don’t think you ever will. Don’t fuck things up again. I truly believe that you and Isak are a match made in sickeningly romantic heaven, but this might be your last chance. Don’t waste it.”</p><p>I couldn’t agree more. It’s no coincidence that I happened to move where Isak lives. I really believe that there are forces out there somewhere are melding my life and Isak’s together once again because that’s our fate.</p><p>*********</p><p>“I don't know if you like broth and chicken soup. I brought some. It’s good for you.”</p><p>Even looks at me surprised and for a second my confidence starts to waver, but then he gives me such a brilliant smile and I feel better all over again. “I don’t eat that every day, but I’m okay with it.” He replies, the smooth and deep tone of his voice giving me a momentary thrill because as it turns out I’m not over these tiny things like I thought I was.</p><p>“They need to be warmed though.”</p><p>“Sure. Join me in the kitchen.” He invites me in and my heart starts racing for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m walking into Even’s most personal space that holds the most intimate specifics about him, and getting acquainted with that space. Whether I want to accept it or not, I’m getting to know Even all over again and I guess the idea frightens me a bit.</p><p>Even’s home is a small but charming and cosy arrangement with its artsy palette- no surprise there. As he leads me to the kitchen, I take the chance to walk over to the side of the wall in his lounge area that has tons of pictures and drawings taped to it. Some pieces are nicely framed up. This reminds me a lot of how artsy his room was back in college, but with a more sophisticated and mature splash on it. Even has really grown as an artist.</p><p>His drawings are no longer just cute little animated characters. He does buildings, water bodies, entire sceneries and things like that now. I know close to nothing about photography but I can appreciate the beauty of the pictures Even took. I spend some time staring at one in particular. It’s an image of the sunset. The way it kisses the river beneath it and trees close by is breath-taking. </p><p>“I took that one while I was visit in Rogaland a few months ago.” Even says as he comes up behind me.</p><p>“It’s beautiful.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“You seem to like capturing water bodies.”</p><p>“There is something oddly peaceful about watching the way the wind gently touches the water to cause ripples.”</p><p>I crane my neck to look up at Even. There is a twinkle in his eyes as he’s speaking. A warm feeling settles in my gut knowing that Even can still find joy in something. If anybody else told me what Even is saying now I’d think it’s the silliest thing, but Even has a way of making others share in the appreciation he has for things. He has a way of making people see the beauty in things. That’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him back in college. He made me see life and the world in a whole new way. I was enthralled and deeply gratified.</p><p>To be honest I’m feeling a little like that right now. </p><p>In the kitchen, Even invites me to sit at his small 4-seat kitchen island while he pops the soup and broth in his microwave. He seems active enough as he moves gracefully about the task, almost like he’s in good health but his face tells a different story. His eyes are sunken and he looks really tired.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” I ask him</p><p>Even walks to over to the counter and braces his forearms on the surface. “Better.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>Even nods. “I’m sure. I’ve been far worse on many occasions.”</p><p>Satisfied with that answer, I offer him a small smile and a nod to let him know that he doesn’t need to explain any more.</p><p>He walks away again to the fridge this time. I’m watching him and thinking about how nice and comfy he looks in sweat pants and a hoodie.</p><p>“Beer?” Even is saying.</p><p>I almost miss what he’s saying entirely but then I get a part of it, and that part sinks in. “You have beer here?” I ask most incredulously.</p><p>“Yeah. What? Is that weird?”</p><p>“You are on medication which doesn't mix with alcohol.”</p><p>“I’m not drinking right now if that’s what you are worried about.” He stops what he’s doing in the fridge, closes it and comes back to the counter to talk to me.</p><p>“What about other times when you are not treating migraines? Do you drink then?”</p><p>Even shrugs. “A bit.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t drink at all.”</p><p>“Are you lecturing me right now?</p><p>“Yes. What's the matter with you, Even? Can't you take anything seriously? You know what mixing your meds with alcohol could do to you. You’ve always known.” I stop to shake my head at him in disappointment. Even was a bit careless in college too but that was college. We were all young and stupid back then. I can’t believe he’s not taking better care of himself now.</p><p>*********</p><p>I'm so taken aback by Isak's outburst and for a few moments I just stare at him in shock while he silently chastises me with his scowl. I'd forgotten this scowl and how cute he looks when he's mad. I can't stop staring at his adorable Cupid's bow. I know this isn’t the time and Isak literally looks like he’s minutes away from exploding, but I can’t help enjoying myself as well. It feels good finding out that Isak still cares enough about me to scold me. He’s doing it just like he did back then whenever I messed up. All of a sudden it’s like 5 years haven’t even gone by.</p><p>“Even are you listening to me?” Isak snaps, pulling me from my thoughts and reclaiming my attention in a sort of different way.</p><p>“Yes, dad. I'm listening.” I tease him a bit and he does not appreciate it at all.</p><p>His scowl deepens and I should be intimidated. Really I should because I know how angry Isak can get, yet I'm much too busy enjoying the way Isak is fawning over me. I guess I missed this.  </p><p>“I don't drink much.” I finally say with the hope of placating him.</p><p>“You shouldn’t drink at all.” He counters. For a second the guarded expression on his face slips away and gives me a glimpse of how concerned he really is right now.  </p><p>“That's a little hard to achieve. Life gets shitty and I need a drink every once in a while”</p><p>Isak appears to consider that and then he sighs "I guess. God, why can't I get you to reason with me on this? How many times have I told you to stop drinking?”</p><p>Isak sounds like a frustrated husband. I’m in heaven right now.</p><p>“Don’t worry so much, okay. I’m taking better care of myself these days. I promise. The beers in my fridge are just for certain occasions when Mikael or other guests come over. As for smoking weed, I quit the entirely.”</p><p>Isak nods slowly and at long last he seems assuaged. I don’t know what he’s thinking thereafter but I think it’s having regrets about his reaction if the pink rising to his cheeks and ears is anything to go by. Gaze lowered to his hands on the counter, he quietly clears his throat and mutters. “Sorry. That…was uncalled for. It’s so not my place to tell you how to live your life.”</p><p>“You are entitled to offering some advice as a pharmacist.”</p><p>Isak lifts his gaze and he smiles slightly in a way I think means he’s relived that I’m successfully making light of a potentially heavy moment. “Right.”</p><p>“So… do you want a beer?”</p><p>“I should be leaving. I only came to check on you and bring you some food in case you have no energy to cook.”</p><p>“That’s very kind of you. Stay and eat with me. I have fried dumplings somewhere. You used to like that.”</p><p>By the look on his face, a can see his anxiety slowly creeping in and I can feel him pulling away and closing himself off again, shutting me out.</p><p>Little by little I’ll break all the walls he’s built around himself and rebuild what we had. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just have to rebuild a new relationship between us.</p><p>**********</p><p>“I do like fried dumplings but I have to head home and rest.” I dismiss the offer and Even gives me a look I’m very familiar with. He knows I’m scared of what my staying for dinner will mean for us later.</p><p>Even can definitely still read me so well and its tiny things like those that make the pit of my belly coil with anxiety. I can still feel the connection between us. The closeness we once had is still there between us even if I pretend that time has killed it.</p><p>I can feel Even pulling me to him and the worst part is I can also feel myself getting drawn in because he is irresistible to me. That’s why I ran away in the first place. Staying miles away from him physically was the only way I could stop myself from running to him. Who knows what worse damage we could have done to ourselves and each other had I gone back to him? We were both so guilty for different reasons, buried in a disastrous scandal suffering immensely from it. There was just no room to salvage our romantic relationship. There still isn’t. I hope Even will soon realise that too and move on.</p><p>“It’s only dinner. You’ll leave right after we eat. Having you here is guaranteed to improve my appetite.” It’s so unfair how needy and pitiful Even looks asking this of me. How the fuck could I ever possibly say no to him when he tugs so hard at my heartstrings?</p><p>Like he’s said, it’s only dinner. There is probably no harm in that. “I guess I could use a dumpling or two. You can offer me that beer now.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stepping into my living area, we settle onto my carpeted floor in between the coffee table and the couch with our legs stretched out in front of us and our backs resting against the couch. It happens so naturally and so smoothly, with practiced ease like it hasn’t been years since we sat together like this all time in his room or mine back in school. My stomach does a little flip as I remember those happy memories.</p><p>I don’t know what Isak has been through the past 5 years but whatever it is has changed him a lot. He is quieter now, calmer, more guarded and careful in everything he does. That alone paints a whole different colour on this moment and that’s why I can’t really say we are reliving the past. This is different and it’s okay. I’m okay with making new memories.</p><p>“Stop staring at me.” Isak suddenly says, pulling me from my thoughts. I blink a few times, gathering my bearings, and I find him frowning at me as if to say he is wondering why I’m so odd. How can Isak still be so cute?</p><p>“I might be clinically incapable of looking away from you.”</p><p>A light shade of pink rises to his cheeks and I smile, pleased with myself for making him blush.</p><p>“Just drink your damned soup, and no stealing dumplings from my plate.”</p><p>I’m pleasantly pleased that he still remembers my habits from back when we dated.</p><p>“Then don’t look away from your plate for too long.” I say and bring a spoon full of chicken soup to my lips. “Should we watch something?”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“A movie.”</p><p>“God, no.”</p><p>“Why do you say it like that?”</p><p>“Because I know you are about to make me watch some Leonardo DiCaprio thing.”</p><p>“You don’t know for sure.”</p><p>“Sure I do. You like watching romantic shit when you’re sick.”</p><p>I huff out a laugh. “I wasn’t going to suggest a romance film just now though.”</p><p>Isak’s left eyebrow lifts doubtfully. “Who are you and, what have you done to the Even Bech Naesheim I remember?”</p><p>“If you must know I’ve taken an interest in action films recently.”</p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“My most recent ex liked them. He made me see all sorts of crappy 90s action films.”</p><p>“I hope you didn’t break up with him because of his choice of movies.”</p><p>“I might have considered that once.” I admit with a small laugh, momentarily trailing off in thought about those awful moments when I sat through one terrible action flick after another, starring actors he’s never heard of. The hell was endless. “<em>He</em> dumped <em>me</em> because I forgot to pick his dog up from the sitter.”</p><p>“Often?”</p><p>“Twice.”</p><p>“I think you were dealt unfairly. He should have at least waited for strike three.”</p><p>“I appreciate your conclusion. So, shall we watch a movie?”</p><p>“Even, I won’t have you make me watch some 90s action stuff.” Isak shakes his head and then brings his beer to his lips to take a sip. I don’t know how it happens but I easily find myself watching him- the way his throat bobs up and down as he swallows, how his lips are parted while he sips, the way his tongue swipes over his moist lips afterwards, his endearing cupid’s bow. From there my gaze trails up to his face all the way to his golden curls. My hand twitches in an effort to hold back from reaching out to run my fingers through Isak’s hair. I miss the tickle on the curl against my palms.</p><p>I’m so in love with Isak. That fact is becoming blatantly clear to me now.</p><p>His gaze turns to me abruptly and his lips part as if to say something but then whatever it is just falters, so he just stares at me with his soft looking lips still slightly parted. When he does speak, it’s so quiet. “Don’t.”</p><p>“Don’t what?”</p><p>“Don’t look at me like I’m the fucking centre of your world.”</p><p>“You are.”</p><p>“I’m not comfortable with that.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that but I’m too far gone for you to turn back now. I’ve always been.”</p><p>Isak’s lips thin exasperatedly and he puts his fork down on his plate with a little more force than necessary, causing a loud clinking sound. “I shouldn’t have come here tonight.”</p><p>“I’m happy to have you.” I smile at him</p><p>“I’m leading you on.”</p><p>“Whatever it is, I’m glad you are here sharing a meal with me.” Then more seriously, I add. “I really didn’t want to be alone tonight.”</p><p>Isak’s expression softens just a little and some sort of realisation flickers across his face. “I know how much you hate being alone when you are sick. Maybe that’s why I’m here now. Old habits die hard, I guess.”</p><p>“If caring about me is a habit you can’t kill then that’s great news, right?” my smile grows wider but it’s also a little nervous because maybe I’m starting to skate on thin ice again here. According to my recent observations, the more I coax Isak into warming up to me, the more he closes up. I’m just starting to make some headway here tonight, so I’d hate to ruin all that progress.</p><p>But by some probably divine miracle, luck is on my side tonight because after Isak drops his gaze to visibly do some thinking, there is no anger, fear or irk in his gaze when he looks back up.</p><p>“Alright I’ll stay and watch a film with you but you have to promise to stop staring at me like I have the cuteness level of a baby duck.”</p><p>“That can be done.” I agree with a victorious smile.</p><p>“And no old ass action movies.”</p><p>“Strictly 2019 and 2020 movies.”</p><p>“Do you have any suggestions?” Isak asks</p><p>“I haven’t seen Gemini man.”</p><p>“I heard it sucks.”</p><p>“How much?”</p><p>Isak shrugs. “I never saw it.”</p><p>“wanna find out how horrible it is?”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>That’s how we end up finishing dinner over a movie. I can feel Isak relaxing little by little while we trade commentary on the movie as it progresses. I’m pleasantly surprised by how well we can still easily hold a steady conversation even now. Since that painfully awkward dinner Isak, his friend and I had, this is the first time Isak and I are really sitting down alone to talk for longer than 5 minutes; the first time we are talking about stuff that doesn’t pertain to our past, the first time I’m not talking about my feelings for Isak while he is shoving those feelings back in my face. This moment could be awfully awkward and tense but it’s surprisingly not. </p><p>*********</p><p>“Honey I’m home.” I yell when I walk into my apartment. Gosh I’m so glad to be home. I need a shower and sleep.</p><p>“In here, dear.” Jonas yells back from his bedroom and I make my way there after leaving my shoes in the entryway.</p><p>I enter Jonas’ room and find my sitting at his desk in front of his computer. I make a beeline for his bed and throw myself on it. Jonas swings round towards me in his computer chair. “Hi. After all that complaining about how tired you were, I thought I’d find you in bed.”</p><p>“I just had dinner with Even.”</p><p>Jonas’ thick eyebrows rise in askance. “How did that happen?”</p><p>“He turned up at my job today.”</p><p>“Oh. That’s sooner than I expected.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“He texted me to ask for your work address.”</p><p>I sit up and raise my hand, silently asking Jonas to pause for a second so that I can catch up. “First of all, Even has your number?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jonas sounds like the answer is obvious.</p><p>“Since when?” I ask him incredulously.</p><p>“He and I exchanged numbers after he followed me on instagram. I followed him back by the way, just so you know.”</p><p>“Are you two besties now?”</p><p>Jonas laughs. “Of course not, but he’s a pretty decent guy. You said it too, remember? Why are you suddenly acting like I’m committing a crime by getting acquainted with the guy?”</p><p>Jonas has me there. “All I’m saying is…” What am I saying? “A heads up would have been nice.” I flimsily complete the thought because there is no place else to go with it.</p><p>“Okay. Even and I are following each other on IG now and we exchanged numbers. He asked me for your work address because he wanted to pay you a visit.”</p><p>“I wonder why he couldn’t just ask me.”</p><p>“Apparently he couldn’t reach you.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“So this dinner? Are you guys hanging out now?”</p><p>I sigh and lie back down. “Not really. Part of Even’s visit to my work place was to buy some medication. He isn’t well at the moment. After work I was sort of worried about him, so I swung by his place to check up on him.”</p><p>Jonas looks surprised but he’s also pleased. “Who says Isak Valtersen has no heart? I told you Even would pull this kind of soft stuff from out of you.”<br/>
“Shut up!”</p><p>“That’s cool of you, bro. So how is Even?”</p><p>“Not bad. We ate and watched a boring film together.”</p><p>“Wow. Was everything chill the entire time?”</p><p>“Trust Even to make a bunch of love declarations and I didn’t help much when I instinctively stepped into boyfriend mode and reprimanded him for not taking better care of himself when he’s sick.” <br/>
“I’d pay to see that.” Jonas smirks and I flip him off, making him laugh harder. “Anyway you survived and that’s what matters. The fact that you stayed at Even’s apartment for that long is a sign of growth and a departure from that place of pain where you’ve been stuck for so long. Don’t you think?”</p><p>“Maybe. I can only hope that the journey I’ve just set out on will have an awesome destination.”</p><p>“If you let yourself stop overthinking for a second, things with Even will be a lot smoother for you.”</p><p>“Probably.” I sit back up and rise all the way to my feet this time. “That’s that. I’m going to shower and then sleep. Goodnight.” I give Jonas a pat on the shoulder and then make my way out of his room.</p><p>“Goodnight, goldilocks.”</p><p>“Stop calling me that.”<br/>
“As soon as you get a haircut.”</p><p>*********</p><p>I get to Oslo right in the nick of time for my mother’s appointment with her heart doctor. I find her sitting on a bench outside the doctor’s officer, waiting.</p><p>Her face brightens when she sees me approaching her and she rises to her feet to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Hi, honey.”</p><p>“Hi, mum.”</p><p>She holds me at arms’ length and looks at me. “How was your flight?”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“Are you feeling better now?”</p><p>“I’m okay. I’m getting fewer headaches now.”</p><p>“That’s’ good. Thank you for coming all the way here to support me.”</p><p>“There is no place I’d rather be.”</p><p>Mum takes my hand and tugs on it, inviting me to join her on the bench.</p><p>My father drove her here but he has an appointment he can’t get out of at work. Mum has been doing great recently- responding well to her medication, adjusting to her new healthy diet and genuinely feeling more energetic. This visit here is just a routine check-up that’s why we figured it is okay to let dad go about his work.  </p><p>“Is the doctor going to see you soon?”</p><p>“Pretty soon. There is another patient in her office. I’m next.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“So, how is Kirkenes?”</p><p>“Still good. I like the peace and quiet in my new neighbourhood. It was the right choice moving there.”</p><p>“I’m glad you are happy. And Mikael?”</p><p>“Still can’t stand Carol’s mum.”</p><p>Mum laughs. “She’s a good girl. He just has to make the effort.”</p><p>“I met carol’s mum and I admit she’s hard to like.”</p><p>“She can’t be that bad.”</p><p>“I told her I’m a part time freelance model and photographer and she concluded I’m a broke-ass.”</p><p>Smile still lingering on her lips, mum’s eyebrows furrow slightly. “She does sound like a piece of work.”</p><p>“Well tough luck for Mikael dealing with that mess. He really likes Carol.”</p><p>“Is there anyone <em>I</em> should look forward to meeting soon?” Mum gives me her very inquisitive, very sugary smile that’s meant to encourage me to share my deepest romantic relationship secrets with her. She used it on me a lot when I was a teenager. I’m ashamed to say it still works.</p><p>“Actually you need to know something, mum.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I ran into Isak in Kirkenes.”</p><p>Mum’s smile slips and it’s quite understandable why. For an uncomfortably long moment she looks lost for what to say or how to proceed with the conversation. “How is he?” She finally asks.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“Does he live over there?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“What an interesting coincidence then.”</p><p>“Right?” I chuckle anxiously. </p><p>“So….are you guys still in touch?”</p><p>I nod. “We had dinner to catch up a bit and things went from there.”</p><p>Mum takes my left hand in both of hers as she looks meaningfully at me. “You still like him, don’t you?”</p><p>“I think so.” I admit and mum surprises me by smiling brightly.</p><p>“I always liked him. That thing that happened was so unpleasant. Is Isak really alright now?”</p><p>“To be honest he’s not quite there yet. I can tell he’s still holding on to a lot of his painful past.”</p><p>“Have you two talked about why he left without a word to you?”</p><p>I shake my head. “It’s still too soon to bring it up. Instinct tells me that he was just desperate to walk away from all the madness.”</p><p>“That’s probably it. Do you know if he is seeing someone else?”</p><p>“He didn’t say but so far there is nothing to imply that he is.”</p><p>“I assume you want to work things out?” mum asks and I nod. “What about Isak? How does he feel about that?”</p><p>“He hasn’t warmed up to the idea yet. We had dinner again a few days ago. It was great. That’s something, right?”</p><p>Mum’s smile widens marginally, her blue eyes twinkling with joy. “Sounds to me like you two are getting closer. Don’t you think?”</p><p>“Maybe. I mean we’ve talked, shared meals and watched a movie together without anyone cursing, crying or walking out. That’s progress, right mum?” It’s only after I’ve spoken when I realise how anxious and uncertain I sound.</p><p>Mum gives my hand a gentle squeeze. She is giving me one of her sweet, hopeful smiles that I’ve grown up drawing strength from.</p><p>“Maybe the two of you won’t be able to rekindle the romance you once had, but I’m sure this is a chance for the both of you to finally heal. Your heart is sincere, Even. Isak will see that.”</p><p>“What if he doesn’t?” I hear the fear and desperation in my own voice.</p><p>“He will.” my mother insists and almost leaves it there but then she seems to notice that I’m not convinced and adds, “have faith in your love for him. There is a reason life reunited the two of you. I remember how in love the two of you were in the past. I doubt that all that love is gone. Isak is probably just….” Mum trails off and momentarily lowers her gaze as if to carefully consider her choice of words. “….afraid to trust again after what happened back then.”</p><p>“I’m scared too, of hurting him. But I’m fighting through that fear to reach for happiness. Isak makes me happy.”</p><p>“People react differently to things. Isak is in a different place as you right now but I’ve always felt like you two will always find your way to each other somehow. I’m pretty confident.” She places her warm palm against my one cheek and leans up to kiss the other. “Just don’t give up, okay? He’ll come to trust you again in his own time.”</p><p>I swallow the thick lump in my throat and nod, choosing to cling to my mother’s words. I close my eyes and lean into her touch. It’s just the comfort I need.</p><p>********</p><p>It’s around 2pm in the afternoon and Magnus has joined me in the back office for our break after handling the unceremonious bustle of customers this morning by ourselves. Our other co-worker Samantha and the pharmacy owner, Hubert are out front taking over now. Magnus is narrating an overly detailed story about the one time he tried to go down on a girl back in high school and he bit too hard on her clitoris and she kicked him in the face.</p><p>It’s a regular afternoon for us here I guess. I don’t know when Magnus and I went from normal co-workers who make small talk about President Trump memes, to work friends who talk about what sexual encounters they’ve had. Then again Magnus has never really had a filter over his big mouth.</p><p>While I’m mildly amused by the image of Magnus getting kicked in the face, this is so not how I want to spend my lunch hour.</p><p>That’s why it’s quite a curse yet also a blessing when my phone rings right in the middle of Magnus’ never-ending story. It’s a curse because I don’t exactly need to be interacting with Even right now but it’s a blessing because anything is better than listening to Magnus’ sex escapades.</p><p>Magnus quiets down and gestures for me to answer my phone. It’s a little uncomfortable with him seated right in front of me at the table, watching, so I ask him to busy himself with something or other.</p><p>“Hi, Even.” I finally answer after Magnus huffily takes his phone out of his coat pocket and unlocks it to look for something there. He huffs to make a big show of how unhappy he is that I just shooed him way and won’t let him meddle. Rolling my eyes, I get up to continue my phone call as far away as possible from where Magnus is standing.  </p><p>“Hi.” Even replies, the deep tone of his voice pouring out into the phone and giving my insides a blissful tingle that I’ve become accustomed to again. It’s really so fucking ridiculous how that voice always makes my pulse race. “Are you free for lunch?” Even continues.</p><p>“No. I’m going swimming.” </p><p>“You still like swimming? That’s amazing. Sounds fun. Can I join?”</p><p>What the hell? Why would I want to be half naked in a pool with my ex who is still ridiculously hot by the way? I can barely sleep well at night just wondering what his body might look like underneath his clothes so I can only imagine what actually seeing it would do to me. It’s a careless risk. I’ll be far too uncomfortable since as it turns out, I’m not so over Even at all.</p><p>“I don’t really want any company.”</p><p>“Okay. Can I still come over to quietly watch my hot ex wearing tights?”</p><p>“Oh my God.” I guffaw in a totally an intended, inelegant way. “Why are you so outlandish?”</p><p>“Because you happen to think it’s sexy.”</p><p>“Me? Since when?”</p><p>“You told me that on our first date.” Even calmly and casually explains like he doesn’t know how rattled I get when he brings up shit like that.</p><p>While I’m briefly speechless after what he just said, Even carries on. “I really liked it when we swam together. I miss that.” on the surface it sounds like a normal professing of longing but I can hear the subtle solemnity to Even’s words, the sad yearning there.</p><p>Swimming was a thing for Even and I. We made good use of whatever clean water body was available to us to make out and have sex. Probably the best memories for me are the ones when we re-enacted the famous swimming pool scene from Romeo and Juliet. Even really loved that and I loved Even, so we did stupid shit like that together all the time. Thinking about all that now makes the pit of my stomach sink just a little.</p><p>Life dealt Even ad I a very bad card and now we are both miserable. Reminiscing like this is probably making things worse for me and probably for Even too. It’s better to try and avoid each other and hope to move on to a place of happiness with other people.</p><p>“I don’t think going swimming together is a good idea.”</p><p>“Because I just brought up the past? I won’t mention it then.” Even manages to sound sadder saying that.</p><p>I throw my head back in frustration and roll my eyes so hard at this frustrating situation. Again he is making it hard for me to say no to him; a territory I’m very familiar with since I barely ever said no to anything he said in the past. It feels more natural for me to go with Even’s demands than to go against them.</p><p>I get the feeling that the deeper I let him pull me into wherever he wants us to be, the more impossible it’ll become for me to rear back. Even so, I can’t find it in myself to stop and protect myself from impending doom. “I’ll text you the address to the place where I go to swim.”</p><p>I really screwed myself those times I declared myself Even’s after I fell for him. No matter how hard I run, <em>I’m still his</em>.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I get to the Rec(reation) Club and find Isak sitting on a bench outside the pool area, waiting for me probably. He looks up when he sees me and he surprisingly smiles. He is still very dry and clad in a t-shirt and shorts, so I assume he’s been waiting for me to arrive before getting in the water himself. I really appreciate the gesture.</p><p>“Hi.” I say once I’m standing before him.</p><p>“Hi, Even.” He stands up and inclines his head in the direction of the door that’s slightly ajar. “Let’s go inside.”</p><p>So Isak leads the way and I follow him into the utterly vacant pool area. “There is no one here.”</p><p>“That’s why it’s my favourite time of the day to swim. Most people come here in the evening after work, school etc.” Isak replies speaking to me over his shoulder. He stops and points at what looks like the changing area. “Go and suit up.”</p><p>“Yes, Sir.” I give him a quick, playful salute.</p><p>******</p><p>Even walks away and I let out a breath I’m only now realising how been stuck in my throat. What the hell am I doing inviting Even to swim with me? Swimming is a lot of upper nudity and here I am inviting my ex- whose body once made my mouth water- to address so that we can get into the water together. There is truly no end to my idiocy.</p><p>Maybe I’m overthinking things. It’s been 5 years for God’s sake. I’m probably not into Even like that anymore. Yeah that’s it.</p><p>But then Even steps out of the changing room in grey/blue boxer brief swim trunks, looking like a fucking professional supermodel and my breath locks in my throat again. I’m completely frozen in place, staring as he him saunter towards me. The growing boyish grin on his face puts me under the impression that he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.</p><p>He comes to a halt a few meters shy of my personal space. “I’m ready.”</p><p>“I can see that.” I needlessly say, trying and failing to look away from his lean abs.</p><p>Now that he’s standing closer and not covered in one coat over another, I see him for what he really looks like and he appears skinnier than I remember. There is less flesh about his arms and shoulders.  Back when we dated he had issues with remembering to eat. Whenever he found something exciting to do or when he was busy, he fixated on that and often forgot to take care of himself. I often found myself reminding him to eat or carry a coat with him to wherever on a chilly day. It was never a burden or anything. I liked taking care of him and he liked taking care of me in his own ways as well. I wonder if his eating habits are any better now. What's he been fixated on lately? Is he taking care of himself? I can't stop myself from thinking all these things and by sheer force of habit. For several months after I walked out on him and left Oslo, I worried a lot about him and that made the guilt only worse. I not only broke his trust but abandoned him as well when he had an episode and needed him most. I literally stomped on his heart and hurt us both so badly.</p><p>I still feel shitty about that. I don’t understand how Even isn’t cursing me out. I wish he would. I hate that he is smiling at me right now, that there is so much kindness in his eyes when he looks at me.</p><p>“What is it?” Even is asking, and I blink at him, slowly pulling away from my thoughts.</p><p>“Nothing.” With more confidence I repeat. “Nothing.”</p><p>“You looked thoughtful and grave all of a sudden.”</p><p>“Sorry. I just…” I start and then realise there is absolutely nowhere I’m going with this sentence. “It’s nothing.” I mutter weakly at the end.</p><p>“Then smile a little, please.”  Even actually looks serious saying that. “Stop overthinking.”</p><p>I want to deny it, but what’s the point when Even knows what the truth is anyway?! He’s always been good at detecting my moods.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“For a second there you were doing so well leering at my body. Go back to that place.” Even smirks and so help me it’s infectious.</p><p>I roll my eyes. “Let’s see how far your cockiness can take you. Race?”</p><p>“Bring it.”</p><p>********</p><p>Isak strips down to his black boxer swimsuit and I forget to breathe because damn he looks so good. I wonder if he’s been hitting the gym lately or the swimming is what’s doing it. I’m already in the water, watching him get in as well and I can’t tear my eyes away from the pale skinned, smooth expanse of his torso. Back when we dated he was lean but in a I’m-young-i-don’t-exercise-or-eat-right kind of way. Now Isak’s skin has stretched taut from physical activity. His shoulders are broader now and his muscles more defined.</p><p>He was sexy before and he is sexy now. I want to touch him and feel what his skin feels against mine again. What the hell was I thinking suggesting a swimming session with my ex? An ex that’s making it harder and harder to pretend I’m not still madly in love with.</p><p>“Ready?” Isak asks as he comes up beside me.</p><p>“As ready as can be. Prepare to lose.”</p><p>“Prepare to eat your words.”</p><p>With matching grins, we start the race and Isak beats me.</p><p>He is laughing when I emerge from the water and look at him shocked. He comes to me and needlessly helps me take my goggles off. I let myself play with the notion that he is creating excuses to touch me.</p><p>“How the hell did you beat me? I don’t remember you ever being this fast.” suddenly I realise why he was so cocky before the race. He knew he had the victory in the bag.</p><p>He is still grinning when he replies. “Let’s just say I’ve been practicing.”</p><p>“I see you got better at holding your breath under water.” I tease him and Isak laughs again. I haven’t seen him like this in so many years. I’m almost happy to play the fool just as long as he keeps laughing like this. He looks so beautiful and so careful. I ache so badly to pull him in my arms and kiss him.</p><p>“Shall we race again then?” He asks “I’ll even give you a head start to give you a better chance at beating me.”</p><p>Gosh he is just haughty today. I love it.</p><p>Of course he beats me 4 more times and I do my best to accept my loss as gracefully as possible. As wounded as my pride is, having this chance to have some fun with Isak totally makes up for that. </p><p>********</p><p>“Do you come here often?” Even and I are standing on the shallow end of the pool, facing each other.</p><p>“As often as I can. Swimming is my favourite form of exercise these days.”</p><p>“I can tell you like it. You look a lot more relaxed now. You are barely this way around me.”</p><p>My chest clenches with guilt. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make it seem like you make me uncomfortable.” I smile a bit. He smiles back but his eyes are imbued with emotions he is not saying. I want to read them all, but most are unfathomable.</p><p>We reminisce a bit about the times we went out to swim together back in the day and we especially laugh at the time Even and our memorable re-enactment of the romantic pool scene from Leonardo DiCaprio’s Romeo and Juliet.</p><p>Effortlessly talking to Even like this and laughing at each other’s stupid jokes has more and more memories of our past flooding into my head and  I half expect to feel weird about discussing or thinking about our happier memories but I don’t.</p><p>I’m telling Even about an incident a little over 2 years ago when I got an allergic reaction to swimming pool chlorine and how I had to endure the itch on a summer afternoon while taking a chemistry test in pharmacy school. We haven’t spoken like this in 5 years so the air between us is imbued with a bucket load of unspoken feelings, heavy emotions, the things we’ve been through in the past 5 years that we haven’t shared with each other yet. We definitely haven’t quite broken the ice yet. I wonder if we’ll ever go back to hanging out without the heaviness looming over us.</p><p>Even though, ever sweet and kind Even, is visibly trying his best to lighten the mood and make me more comfortable. He is smiling so fondly at me, listening attentively like I’m spewing the most interesting story he’s ever heard, looking at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen- it’s a little overwhelming. My belly is doing something funny. In a way despite all the heavy shit, I can’t deny the joy I feel deep down about having Even here with me. Before he got here I did a lot of overthinking, expecting the worst, but this is actually okay. I’m having fun chatting to him and that’s no surprise really considering that he used to be my favourite person in the world. Once upon a time I had everything because I had Even.</p><p>“I can actually imagine you hopping out of class rushing home to scratch.” Even says, laughing.</p><p>“It was quite a sight. Jonas still makes fun of me.”</p><p>“You and Jonas knew each other back then?”</p><p>“We met in college actually. He was a veterinary sciences graduate taking a culinary course after belatedly realising he had no real passion for curing animals. I was a medical school dropout trying to a second chance in my beloved health sciences field. We met while waiting in line for food at the cafeteria and we said just that to each other. We’ve been tight ever since.”</p><p>“That’s a beautiful story.” Even chortles and I splash water on his face, but only a little, so he just laughs it off.</p><p>Even’s face is suddenly serious when he turns to fully face me and says, “I like it when you laugh. You don’t have to be scared of me. I meant it when I said I could never hurt you, Isak. I can’t promise to erase all your hurt from the past and I certainly can’t promise you a smooth road ahead, but I can promise to try my best to make you happy and to protect you.”</p><p>“Why would you bring all that up now? we were having perfect just now.” I point out, feeling slightly miffed.</p><p>“Call me opportunistic.”</p><p>“That you are.” I sigh. “Aren't you mad at me? I mean for what I did to you.”</p><p>“I am, okay. I am mad at you and I'd like an apology but what good is all that when we are both unhappy without each other. </p><p>“I'm doing fine.”</p><p>Even scoffs as if to say that's not remotely possible. Am I that transparent?</p><p>“It’s okay if you want to pretend that you are okay. I’m not okay. I want you back. None of that shit from the past matters to me anyway. At some point I was deeply hurt by the way you left unannounced” Even’s gaze darts about like he’s not sure where to look. He’s also chewing on his lower lip the way I know he does when he’s felling agitated. “Damn it Isak, I waited for you to come to me. I waited for you to come and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I thought of the times prior when you reassured me that you’d always understand me and that you’d always stay beside me no matter what.” Even’s gaze finally meets mine and now I’m the one who can’t bear to look at him. I feel so ashamed and regretful.</p><p>“I was so confused. My head was a mess.” Even continues. “I knew that I’d messed up somehow since everyone kept looking at me and talking to me weird. But I didn’t know exactly what I’d done. So I waited for you to come and talk to me, to hold me and help me through my discombobulated state. You never did though. The next thing I knew my mother was telling me that I’d been kicked out of school because of some sex tape scandal. It was hard for me to understand you know.” Even smiles sadly.  “In my head the tape a good idea and it was meant for just us two.</p><p>“Eventually the reality for what I’d done, what my friends did sunk in and I was overcome with grave regret and remorse, embarrassment too. I realised how I’d fucked up and ruined your life, so I tried to reach out to you, to find you and I couldn’t. You just vanished. That broke me. I couldn’t get out of bed or out of my house for months. That’s the most depressed I’ve ever been.”</p><p>I’ve always had some idea that Even must have suffered a lot when I left, but hearing him actually say exactly what he went through and seeing the anguish in his eyes is painting a whole new picture on it for me. I now understand the depth of his agony which in turn heightens my guilt. I feel so incredibly bad for him. Maybe I would do things differently now. Maybe I would stay to be there for him but back then I was young, frightened and selfish and I guess that’s why I shouldn’t beat myself up too much about what I did. I still feel like a jerk though.</p><p>Eyes still downcast, I murmur. “It was just…my parents, church, my neighbours, my old friends…everything. All the sneering and rancour I received for being gay, for making a sex tape… it was too much. I had to leave.”</p><p>“I understand now. I didn’t then but I do now. That’s why I have no reason to hate you.”</p><p>“You should hate me.” I lift my gaze again to meet Even’s, my jaw clenched. “I lied to you and betrayed your trust. I acted like the love I had for you was strong enough to weather any storm but the moment things got tough, I ran out the door and left you behind.”</p><p>“You were young. We both were.”</p><p>“Still.”</p><p>“No. I’m tired of regretting that time of our lives. I don’t want to think about it anymore or for it to have any hold over our lives.”</p><p>“It’s easy for you to say. My parents and I are still not on speaking terms.”</p><p>Even visibly winces and an apologetic look flickers across his face. “I’m really sorry about that, Isak. I just don’t know what else to do or say to help.”</p><p>“Even, I’m going to tell you something I should have told you five years ago. It wasn’t your fault. None of that shit that happened was your fault. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you this. You must have had a hard time blaming yourself all these years.”</p><p>A ghost of a smile touches Even’s lips. “Thank you for believing and saying that.” his gaze softens and he’s giving me that look again; like I’m so precious in general but especially to him.</p><p>My heart soars because there is still a huge part of me that’s so, so soft for him.</p><p>After some time I start getting a little uncomfortable with him just silently staring at me like that. “What are you thinking now?” all I can manage is a whisper.</p><p>He doesn’t reply immediately but when he does, his cheesy ass melts my heart some more. “I’m thinking about how beautiful you are. I’m so crazy about you.” his gaze slowly trails from my hair, down to my chest and lower, and then came back up. “And I’m thinking about what I can do to show you that your heart is the one thing I cherish the most.”</p><p>All thoughts leave my mind in a flash and on total instinct, I lung at Even and kiss him.</p><p>I take his face in the palms of my hands as I move in close and press my naked chest against his.</p><p>I’m trying to keep cool but my movements are so gingerly because I’m so nervous yet literally trembling with need. Even seems to sense this and secures his arms around my waist, holding me firmly. All my fears and anxiety skitter away as Even’s tongue slides over my lips, asking for entrance. Tilting my chin up, I open my mouth and let out a throaty sigh when Even’s tongue slides into my mouth. I feel the passion in him as he kisses me, in every stroke of his tongue against mine, but it also occurs to me that I’m leading the kiss. I know it’s his way of letting me call the shots here so that I’m completely comfortable.</p><p>That thought makes me blossom with such gratitude and appreciation. I moan as Even licks into my mouth and then sucks on my tongue. God he is a great kisser. His hands are on my waist and his tongue is in my mouth, but it feels, like he is touching me all over; like he is making love to me. It makes warmth spread through my body until my toes curl. It feels so good and I’ve longed for this feeling.</p><p>Even makes me realise how lonely I’ve been and how I’ve been lying to myself thinking I’m okay without love in my life. I’ve had a few very short-lived relationships with women in recent years and I never felt this content when I kissed them.</p><p>This right now feels good, and right.</p><p>The realisation is so frightening and everything in me wants to back away and run because liking boys nearly ruined me once, but I stay glued to Even’s delicious mouth, enjoying everything he is giving me. </p><p>*********</p><p>Just as I’m really starting to lose myself in chasing the sweet taste of Isak’s lips, he pulls away, flattening his palm on my chest and gently pushing back like he desperately needs some space to breathe. Honestly I do too.</p><p>I loosen my hold on him, but don’t pull away completely. My hands linger on his lean hips. Isak and I are both wide-eyed speechless about what just happened. I take in how beautiful Isak looks with his lips all red and swollen, his cheeks rosy. God, I’ve missed seeing Isak like this. I'm tempted to kiss him again but I stop myself. He is the love of my life and there is nothing I want more than to fix things between us, to get him to trust me again and believe it when I say I'll do my best to never hurt him again.<br/>
I watch an array of emotions flicker across Isak’s face as what just happens appears to finally sink in. All at once he is full of shock, regret, fear, confusion, desperation, hope, lust, and… love? I might be imagining things but I really don’t think I am. Isak and I have kissed twice now and his body’s response to mine declares how attracted he is to me. </p><p>Besides, this time <em>he</em> kissed <em>me</em>. If that doesn’t mean he still has feelings for me then I don’t know what could.</p><p> I notice that he frightful look in his eyes is staring to border on Panic, and in fear that he’ll push me away and run off, I pull him back into my arms. “We don’t have to think about what just happened or even talk about it if you don’t want to. We can pretend nothing just happened.”</p><p>My right hand trails up to the back of his head and I press Isak’s face against my neck. My other arm continues rubbing Isak’s back comfortingly until I feel his shaking frame slowly start to calm down.</p><p>“God I really hate myself sometimes.” I mutter begrudgingly.</p><p>Isak leans back slightly to meet my gaze and the sorrow and anxiety I see swimming in his eyes is so heart breaking. </p><p>“What for?” Isak whispers.</p><p>“Destroying your spirit.”</p><p>Isak lowers his gaze and fixes it on a spot on my chest. “Don’t say shit like that. I told you it’s not your fault.”</p><p>“It’s hard not to blame myself when I see how much you’ve crawled back into your shell. I did this to you.”</p><p>Isak lifts his gaze again. “No you didn’t. The way I am now, that’s my choice. I can’t go back to the past, Even. I need to move on.”</p><p>“I’m not even talking about the past. You are my future, Isak.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to… I want to live a normal life. I want to be normal.”</p><p>In other words he doesn’t want to be gay because he has been scared into believing that there is right and wrong in love.</p><p>Even though it hurts that I can’t have Isak, I understand him and the pain he has in his heart. He’s probably been through some difficult stuff in the past five years since our sex tape scandal.</p><p>I have no choice but to negotiate for a sort of friendship and love midpoint that we can both live with.</p><p>*********</p><p> “I know that my chasing after you is giving you a hard time but the thing is I'm helplessly drawn to you. I can't fight this yearning I have for you. Maybe I have no right to complain but I’m having a hard time too.” Even says and my heart takes a deep plunge.</p><p>This suddenly paints a whole new picture on the situation and I see Even for what he truly is here- a victim. We are both victims of a bad situation that won't go away. It's not like I want to lie awake at night thinking of Even either but I just do and it's not fair of me to treat Even harshly like he is in a better position.</p><p>After all Even and I were once madly in love with each other. Crazy, staggering, stupid I’d-kill-for-you kind of love and attachment. That shit isn't easy to get over.  </p><p>I don't know what the fuck to do here or how to handle any of this situation but since we literally can't avoid each other, we might as well try to survive each other, especially if either of us is going to randomly give into the temptation to kiss the other. Besides, it’s only fair I try to understand him too if I expect him to understand me.</p><p>“I’ve been a jerk to you, Even. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay. Can we hang out? As just friends or whatever?”</p><p>“Friends who occasionally, haphazardly kiss when the temptation strikes?” I find myself smiling at what I’m saying, as does Even.</p><p>“Preferably. Do you want to have a cup of coffee with me some time later?”</p><p>“That would be nice.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Over the few weeks that follow, Even and I start talking a whole lot more through text; and in person when we go to the local bookstore or coffee house together. Even is still every bit as chaotic as I remember him being back when we dated. He is a bouncy, joyous bundle of hope and sunshine. Sometimes it’s blinding and I end up just speechlessly staring at him with a lopsided grin as he prattles on animatedly about some movie he watched, a piece of art he saw somewhere or a food recipe he tried out. Other times Even’s enthusiasm is infectious and I find my tone of voice rising as well as I respond to him, in a way my voice rarely rises nowadays.  </p><p>There are times when we venture into serious and heartfelt conversations about the struggles each of us has had over the past 5 years. Try as I may to avoid pouring my heart out to Even, I end up doing it anyway because Even is so easy to talk to.</p><p>Just when I’m about to feel a little overwhelmed by Even, another part of me steps in and overtakes everything- a part that is more in tune with what I need deep down and that is some sunshine. I’ve been gloomy for way too long now, much too long to ignore any longer.</p><p>All this hanging out with Even is undoubtedly a bad idea if I hope to evade falling for him again, but I can’t help feeling excited about finally spending time with someone who knows me like no one else does, someone who gets me at a level I don’t even bother to know myself. Whether I like it or not, Even was, is and will always be my best friend.</p><p>Sometimes he calls me late at night and drags me into conversations about the silliest stuff like the type of grass he saw somewhere when he was out taking pictures of nature. I don’t give a fuck about things like that but Even does, and he knows I don’t mind listening to him talk about it, so he calls anyway.</p><p>Jonas has a busy job and a girlfriend, so often I’m left alone ignoring the pang of loneliness deep in my chest. It’s kind of nice having someone to talk to again.</p><p>On a Saturday afternoon he invites me to the park to hang out.</p><p>“That night we had dinner together, you showed me the view of the park from up there and I got curious about what the lake looks like in day time.” Even explains</p><p>“You haven’t been here during the day?” I ask him and he shakes his head to my surprise.</p><p>“I’ve realised that in life it’s easier to miss the treasures that are right under your nose.”</p><p>I can’t argue that.</p><p>We sit down next to each other on the grass under a tree by the lake and Even takes out his pencils and sketchbook. I think of how much I liked watching him draw, the passion in his eyes, the careful, dedicated and graceful way his hand and pencil touch the paper. The sight is just as magical now. I don’t even mind that I’m aimlessly sitting around and watching him for long minutes on end. I’m utterly captivated by how the real life image in front of me is slowly coming to life in Even’s sketchbook.</p><p>Even suddenly looks at me and smiles. “Are you bored?”</p><p>“I get why you would ask me that, but no I’m not bored.” I point at his sketchbook. “I’m very interested in this. Keep going.”</p><p>His smile grows bigger, almost giddy. “Do you want to listen to some music?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>For the next few minutes I watch Even put his drawing aside to make a playlist on his phone. When he’s finished, he plugs in his headsets and offers me one side.</p><p>The music starts playing and Even resumes drawing while I try to comprehend what we are listening to. It’s a male voice singing to a very 80s vibe beat. I take a peek at Even to make some sort of connection between him and the music. The Even I knew back in day was a hard core 90ship hop fan. He seldom listened to anything else. I guess time really has gone by since then.</p><p>After two more songs of the same kind have played, I have to ask. “Who is this?” Even lifts his gaze from his work and I incline my chin towards even’s phone. “The music playing.”</p><p>“A-ha.”</p><p>“hm?”</p><p>“A-ha. That’s the name of the band.”</p><p>“Oh.” That’s all I can say. Even continues staring at me expectantly like he wants me to say more, and then when it becomes obvious that I won’t, he grins at me with a slight furrow of his eyebrows.</p><p>“You’ve never heard of them?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Isak, show some appreciation for our local bands.”</p><p>Okay that one surprises me. “They are a local band? Their English is so good though.”</p><p>“They made their music debut in the US back in 1986.”</p><p>“So they <em>are</em> actually from the 80s.” a smile a little at that, more fascinated now by the sound. “A lot of artists have gone 80s now, so I thought this could be a recent band.”</p><p>“There are only a handful of artists who can actually do the exact crisp 80s synthpop sound without any white noise.”</p><p>Of course your pretentious ass would know that.”</p><p>Even gapes, stunned by my abrupt attack. “What does that mean?” he questions, half smiling in a way that’s making me smile too.</p><p>“It means you make a meal out of everything. For the rest of us it’s just a good song or a bad song, but you just have to dissect everything and use fancy words about it.” </p><p>“Excuse me for having some taste.”</p><p>“Pretentious.” I throw at him once again and he looks like he’s about to defend himself again, but then changes his mind and clamps his mouth shut.</p><p>“You think it’s sexy. Admit it.”</p><p>I guffaw, covering my cheeks when I feel them start getting warmer. I think it’s time to change the subject. “Does A-ha still make music?”</p><p>“They disbanded in 2015.”</p><p>“When and how did you discover them?”</p><p>“A few years ago I randomly saw a poster of them in a work colleague’s officer and I thought one member really looked like you. I got interested right away and asked him who the band was. I sampled their music and fell in love.”</p><p>My heart stutters because how the fuck can it not when Even saying such sweet stuff like he gained interest in band because he thought one member of it looked like me?</p><p>“You are exaggerating, aren’t you?”</p><p>“No.” Even shakes his head and grabs his phone, swipes about on the screen before putting the phone in front of me to see what’s on there. Now I’m looking a picture of 3 very good-looking and also very 80s-looking guys with their skinny jeans and leather jackets. My lips curve into a pleased smile as Even points at the guy to the left. “That’s the one who looks like you. He plays the keyboard for the band and…..” Even pauses abruptly and I glance curiously at him. He has a confused smile on his face. “Actually the singer and centre also looks like you. Fuck, I just noticed that.”</p><p>“Really?” I look down at the picture.”</p><p>“Yeah. You have the same deep set eyes, mouth and face shape.”</p><p>“And the one on the keyboard?”</p><p>“Same face shape and wavy blonde hair.”</p><p>I’ve heard that it’s often hard to tell whether you resemble someone and I think that’s what’s happening to me right now. I just think Even is being ridiculous. What I do notice however is that the guy to the right looks like Even. I can’t fucking believe it. I guess now <em>I’m</em> being ridiculous.</p><p>“The guy to the right looks like you.”</p><p>“What? No.”</p><p>“He has your pretty face, pouty lips and wide eyes.”</p><p>“What are the fucking odds huh?!” Even says in disbelief</p><p>***********</p><p>After much resistance from Isak, I manage to convince Isak to hold a pose for me and become my figure drawing model for an hour or two but convincing him only half the battle. Now I have to constantly tell him to keep still so that I capture all the angles perfectly. He’s been restless since 10 minutes in. If his fidgeting wasn’t so annoying, I’d find it endearing because of how adorably child-like Isak is being.</p><p>“Ugh I’m tired.” Classic Isak grumbles. We are hanging out together again at the park ut this time we are situated in a different area than the last time.</p><p>“I’m almost done.” I tell him, hoping that the gentle quality to my tone of voice will stop the crabbiness I can sense coming on from him.</p><p>“You said that maybe 20 minutes ago.”</p><p>“I’m only doing a rough sketch.”</p><p>“How do you do this?”</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“Work as a life model? I can’t sit still for too long.”</p><p>“I guess….” Even trails off, searching his mind for the right answer. Honestly he has no idea what that is, so he just says. “I was born to be a figure drawing model.”</p><p>“I admire your confidence and strength.”</p><p>“Thank you.” I smile appreciatively at Isak.</p><p>I finally show Isak my drawing and he lets out an astonished belly laugh. “What the hell, Even. What’s this?”</p><p>“This is you?” I spend a little too long staring at Isak, watching him and how beautiful he looks laughing in such a carefree manner.</p><p>“This is not me.”</p><p>“This is exactly you.” I deliberately drew an animated version of Isak to hopefully make him laugh. I’m so happy that it’s working. Isak is still staring down at the version of him that has huge doll eyes, a big head of curly golden hair, a cute smile that brings out the gaps in his teeth and a rather pronounced cupid’s bowl above his top lip.</p><p>“You are fucking ridiculous.” Isak mutters but he’ smiling fondly at the drawing. My gaze traces Isak’s jawline, the smooth, pale skin along his lean cheeks, the lips he keeps licking. I want to kiss him so badly.</p><p>**********</p><p>“Actually I wasn’t always comfortable in my own skin.” I admit to Isak a few days later while we are having dinner at a pub and grill Jonas recommended to us. Apparently Jonas has been here with his girlfriend and her friends a few times.</p><p>The admission appears to surprise Isak but that’s very short-lived. He laughs lightly and says. “I don’t imagine it’s easy to strip down and hold poses in front of an art class full of strangers who want to use your body as an object for their art.” He is busy roasting our meat while I breezily enjoy my beer.</p><p>I shake my head and manage a small smile. “It’s not. Like every art out there, I got better with practice.”</p><p>“Why not just quit if you weren’t comfortable?”</p><p>“I needed the money at the time. Bills and all. I was trying to manage my own life while also helping my mum out with her hospital bills. Her medication is quite expensive.”</p><p>“Oh. I get that.” Isak offers me an understanding smile. “And now?”</p><p>“Now stripping down and holding poses for total strangers has grown on me.”</p><p>Isak laughs a little more at that one. “Of course your artsy ass would be into something like that.”</p><p>“And the money isn’t bad either.”</p><p>“Now <em>that</em> I can relate to. To support myself and pay for school, I did a lot of odd jobs. For example I once worked at a beauty place as a shampoo boy. As you might know, I can barely do a decent job of washing my own hair.”</p><p>I’m already laughing as I ask, “How did you get the job then?”</p><p>Isak does this thing with his face where he looks like he is ashamed and holding back a laugh at the same time. My interest is piqued. “I flirted with the owner’s daughter. A lot.” Isak shrugs. “And maybe I gave her the impression that I would date her one day.”</p><p>“What?” my jaw drops</p><p>“I know. Not my proudest moment.”</p><p>I’m still laughing as I fondly shake my head at Isak but somewhere inside a part of me feels sore about Isak struggling alone when he moved out here. I’ve never doubted his capability to look after himself and in no way is he my responsibility whatever the circumstances between us; but I still feel bad about how much of his life I’ve missed out on, that I wasn’t there to hug him and hold his hand in the tough times. I can only hope that Jonas did his best on my behalf.</p><p>Isak will probably dislike the idea when he learns about it eventually but now that I’m back in his life, I’m never letting him out of my sight again.</p><p>“You don’t have to give me that look, Even. “I’m fine.” Isak suddenly says and it wakes me up from my thoughts.</p><p>“Did you parents help you out?”</p><p>“Sometimes dad sent me some money but not regularly enough.”</p><p>“It must be hard not being on talking terms with your own parents.”</p><p>Isak’s hand stills and for a second I panic thinking I’ve gone into territory I have no right to comment in. Lately we’ve been talking a lot more comfortably and openly, but about things that never exactly touched the subject of Isak’s parents. I know that’s a sore spot for him, so I’ve been very careful about bringing that up. That’s why I half expect him to bristle at this conversation we’ve abruptly ventured into. But then Isak lifts his gaze and gives me a tiny smile. I can tell he’d rather not discuss this but at least he’s doing his best to calmly handle the conversation maybe for his sake or maybe for mine. I can’t be sure but I appreciate it. “There is no room for me to complain. I’m the one who ruined their reputation.” Says Isak</p><p>“What happened wasn’t your fault, Isak.”</p><p>“Still. Their lives would be a lot easier if they didn’t have a gay son.”</p><p>“Is that why you’ve been trying to run away from who you are all these years?”</p><p>“That’ll cause less trouble for everyone involved.”</p><p>My heart takes a dive because this might be one of most heart-breaking things I’ve ever heard. “You are a good, considerate son. One day your parents will realise that. There is nothing wrong with you now. Not a thing, do you hear me?”</p><p>“You sound like Jonas.”</p><p>“Then Jonas is very wise. You should listen to him.” It’s a lot of comfort knowing that Isak has had a supportive friend like Jonas all along.</p><p>*********</p><p>Back in college Even liked eating while people-watching, so I’m not surprised when he invites me to an outdoor sitting burger place to eat while watching people walk and cars drive passed us. It’s something simple to do but somehow it’s enough. There was never a dull moment with Even back in college and there still isn’t. Everything with him was fun. I guess that hasn't changed. Even and I are barely talking right now yet somehow that's okay. It's enough that he's here. We can't erase the years that have passed so of course it's eminent that we've become different people in the way we relate with each other and with others, but in a way we really haven't changed much. Even is pointing at cars and telling me the model for each one just to show off how much more than me he knows about cars.</p><p>I’m busy rolling my eyes fondly at him as he grins adorably.</p><p>"Were you happy all these years Isak?” Even suddenly asks me while he’s walking me home after we’ve left the burger place. We are just one block away from my place and his gaze is downcast when I look at him. It’s an obvious sign that he is nervous either about the question, the answer I’m going to give him or both.</p><p>I want to lie but just can't bring myself to. “No.”</p><p>Even looks relieved when he finally meets my gaze. “Me either. I lost count of the times I cried over what a good thing I had with you and how I ruined it. I tried telling myself that what we had was only a simple teenage romance; that I would eventually find something more real and more meaningful. That never happened. I got dumped a few times because I wasn't invested enough or whatever." He chuckles bitterly. “Maybe in a way I wasn’t invested. I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts of what you and I could have been.” He pauses and then. “I’m not blaming you or anything like that though.” he rushes to clarify and I reassure him that I’m not offended with a small smile.</p><p>"If it's any consolation I've had a shitty time too. You have no idea how many times I wanted to run back to you.”</p><p>“You should have.” Even gives a sweet smile that gets my heart racing.</p><p>“I didn't think I had any right to. Not after I'd betrayed you.”</p><p>“You were guilty. I was guilty. We really should have stayed together to help each other get over all that stuff.”</p><p>“Do you really think our relationship would have survived?”</p><p>“Yes.” Even says in a heartbeat and then he stops, taking hold of my arm so that I do the same. “Isak, wait.”  </p><p>I can see his face well enough under the street lights and the anguish there hits me so hard because it’s so unexpected and so potent.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Even whispers “I’m sorry for everything. For hurting you and making you leave. I wish I could go back in time and fix it, but I can’t.” Even shakes his head sadly. I watch as tears gather in his beautiful blue eyes and it’s so fucking heart breaking. “Even—” I want to say more but my throat feels so dry and my mind is just blank.</p><p>“I’ve been in good relationships, happy ones even, but none of them compare to what I had with you.” Even goes on. “You meant the world to me. You still do. I never got a chance to say that to you before you left, so I’m saying it now.” “I’m sorry I fucked up.”</p><p>I can’t resist reaching up to cup Even’s cheeks. It feels good how he leans into my touch. “Please stop apologising.” I beg him.</p><p>“You might feel bad about walking away when I needed you the most, but I don’t want to care about all that shit anymore. Can we please move on? I love you. “I loved you back then and I think I might love you more now, the man you’ve become. I miss you so much. I didn’t know how big the void you left in my heart was until I saw you again. Now I feel like I might go crazy if I try to resume life without talking to you or touching you or kissing you. I swear I’ll love you and protect you better this time if you give me one more chance.”  Even’s tears trickle onto my fingers and by now I’m crying too. “I love you so much.” Even repeats, whispering into my hair as he clings to me.</p><p>He leans back and kisses me. I don’t stop him. I can’t stop him when he’s just said the most beautiful things to me; when he’s kissing me so perfectly. My eyes slowly flutter shut as I sigh and relax into the kiss. I can feel Even’s raging need and urgency when he slides his tongue deep into my mouth and it’s all welcome. There is nothing tentative shy, slow or playful. Just raw passion as we desperately chase the taste of each other’s mouths.</p><p>I force myself to pull back when I start feeling slightly light headed. “Even….”  </p><p>“What is it, baby?”</p><p>“I’m scared.”</p><p>“Honestly I am too. I’m scared of hurting you again, but I also can’t stop my feelings. I’m delirious with love for you. I know you feel the same way, but you are still afraid to voice it out. Our journey to healing is probably long but I don’t want to walk it alone. I need you, Isak.”  </p><p>Before I can say anything, Even kisses me again. “At least give me a chance, baby. Please. Let me be a presence in your life.”</p><p>After a moment’s hesitation, I nod. “Okay.”</p><p>Heaven knows I need him too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's time for Isak to make up his mind about his sexuality, and his feelings for Even. Jonas is there to help, good friend that he is.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm set to have a busy few weeks from the start of September, so it might take me a little while longer to complete the last two chapters of this but i promise i'll finish the story by mid September. <br/>Thanks again for the love you guys have given this story up to this point. It's a true blessing to have so many readers supporting me with kudos and feedback.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Even invites me to dinner in the week that follows. Jonas is supposed to join us, but he can’t tonight because apparently he’s rather stay home texting his girlfriend than be a third wheel here.</p><p>While we are waiting for our order to arrive, my heart is beating a bit harder than usual because of how good he looks in the well-lit place. What’s more, my senses are still alert and buzzing from that hot kiss outside my place a few nights ago. I know I’m making things hard for myself kissing Even and letting him whisk me away on dates at fancy restaurants with promises of fun and silly chatter, but I can’t help myself.</p><p>I want to believe that Even is a part of a history that I’m way passed by now.</p><p>I want to pretend I haven’t spent sleepless nights thinking about the loving words Even keeps saying to me.</p><p>I want to pretend that I don’t occasionally and randomly find myself thinking about how happy we were together, all the mischief we got up, how great the sex was, how much I liked kissing him, how much Even liked leering at and grabbing my ass, how everyone including us thought Even and I would always be happy together. </p><p>I want to pretend that I’m happy without someone to love, someone loving me.</p><p>I want to prepend that since Even came back into my life I don’t find myself thinking about what it would be like to kiss him and touch him again, to make love to him.</p><p>I want to pretend that I’m not feeling things again whenever Even is around, that my stomach doesn’t fill with butterflies whenever he smiles and when Even speaks in his deep, sexy voice.</p><p>I want to pretend that I’m not aware of the brand new connection Even and I are building the more time we spend together. A connection very akin to the one we once had but also very different at the same time because our conversations are more mature now and inspired by more personal and in-depth thoughts and feelings since we are both more in touch with who we are as individuals.  </p><p>I want to pretend that I can’t tell Even has the same feelings and thoughts as me right now.</p><p>But I can’t pretend.  </p><p>The logical and sensible parts of me are gnarling at my mind, telling me to run as fast as I can, but my heart won’t let me move or push Even away. It’s extremely hard to fight a feeling as good as he brings me. I haven’t felt so free and happy and needed in years and the feeling is heady; has me reeling, vibrating with excitement. I want more.</p><p>So how can I not fall back in love with a man who makes me feel like this?  </p><p>A warm hand covers mine and I flinch, startled, but then I relax when I’m reminded that its just Even.</p><p>“Spacing out?” he asks me.</p><p>“You can say that.”</p><p>“You think too much.”</p><p>“I can’t help it.”</p><p>“Then it’s up to me to distract you.”</p><p>I smile and look at him with challenge. “Then distract me now.”</p><p>“Already done. while you got lost in your head just now, I ordered you a milk and cookies. You still like that right?”</p><p>I laugh and judging by how pleases he looks, that’s his intention.</p><p>I relax a bit, grateful for the distraction. “I’m a grown man now. I don’t need milk and cookies to cheer up.”</p><p>“You liked that that in college.”</p><p>My cheeks heat in mild embarrassment. “Excuse me you are the one who stole and ate frozen fried chicken from a random person’s fridge.”</p><p>“We agreed never to speak of that again.” Even splatters, scandalised.</p><p>“You talk about my cookies; I will talk about your chicken fiasco.”</p><p>Even mock sighs. “Once upon a time you were so easy to please. Milk and cookies did the trick. I’m afraid you’ve become a complicated man now.”</p><p>I toss my napkin at his ridiculously handsome laughing face.</p><p>Our food comes and we dig in and laughing probably a bit too loudly as we go back and forth teasing each other while reminiscing some about our crazy college days.</p><p>I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this. the people at the end table have to shush us every few minutes and Even and I purse our lips to curb the laughter, but the moment we resume talking, we burst into louder laughter not long after we are scolded.</p><p>Our laughter only heightens when my cookies and milk arrives together with blueberry cake. We make fun each other as we dip the cookies in the milk and I’m in such a good mood that I even feed Even a cookie or two a few times.</p><p>By the time we leave the restaurant, I’m thoroughly lighted-hearted and drunk on laughter and good food.</p><p>Even offers to drive me home.</p><p>*********</p><p>We arrive at the front of my house and I unsnap my seatbelt after Even sets the car in park. I shift in my seat to look at him and smile.</p><p>“I had a decent time at dinner. Thanks”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>We lapse into a silence, our gazes locked. When the silence stretches on for longer than I can handle, I duck my head too shy under Even’s intense gaze. I can feel my neck, ears and cheeks getting warmer.</p><p>I toy with the idea of asking him when we’ll see each other again, but I can’t find the confidence to voice it out.</p><p>“I’m scheduled to take part in an advertising campaign in Trondheim over the next 2 weeks, and while in town I’ll be doing some art work on commission for a few clients I have over there.” he suddenly says as if he has read my mind. I look up at him again.</p><p>“Sounds like more than 2 weeks?”</p><p>“To be accurate, three weeks is more realistic. Maybe a month.”</p><p>The time away from Even sounds good at first because since we started hanging out a lot lately, I haven’t allowed myself to think about what the fuck I’m doing. This could be a good time to explore that question. Then again I’m feeling strangely miffed about not being able to see Even at all for that long.</p><p>“When do you leave?”</p><p>“Early tomorrow.”</p><p>“I see.” For lack of anything better to say, I simply mutter. “travel safe and good luck.”</p><p>Even’s palm cups my cheek, his fingers gently stroking my hair near my ear. I almost lean into the warm touch. I think he can tell I’m a little sad.  “Since I won’t see in a while, do I get a goodbye hug?”</p><p>I nod and sit up, falling into his embrace. His arms are warm and firm around me. It’s wonderful.</p><p>We stay locked in the embrace for longer than necessary and I’m not complaining at all.</p><p>I certainly don’t stop him when he lifts his head off my shoulder and kisses me.</p><p>I close my eyes and melt into the sweetness of his lips. As usual when out lips touch, my mind is emptied all thought except for how good it feels to kiss Even. </p><p>I tip my chin up and deepen the kiss, sucking Even’s lower lip into my mouth as he does the same with my upper lip.</p><p>“I’ll be thinking about you every second of each day.” he whispers against my lips before kissing me again.</p><p>When he pulls back again, it’s final. “Goodnight.”</p><p>“Goodnight.” I whisper back and exit his car.</p><p>“I’ll call you…and text.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>As I walk away from Even, I can feel my heart getting heavier and heavier, pulling me back towards him.</p><p>********</p><p>In my apartment, I find Jonas watching TV. He grins the moment he sees me. “You are blushing.”</p><p>“Shut up.” I mutter and make towards my bedroom in quite a hurry.</p><p>“Hold it right there. Not so fast.” Jonas calls after me. I ignore him and continue on my way, but of course he doesn’t give up. he follows me to my bedroom and plops down on my bed. I give him an irritated look which only seems to fuel his interest. “did you happen to see Even today?”</p><p>My plans to play it cool flies out the window as my cheeks betray me and heat up like a fucking stove. Jonas grins wolfishly.” I’ll take that as a yes. What did you two do?”</p><p>I sigh and sit down next to him. Might as well answer his questions and get rid of him quicker or face his pestering all evening.</p><p>“We went swimming and had dinner afterwards.”</p><p>“And you made out.”</p><p>“Oh my God is it that obvious?” I lift my fingers to my lips in wonder.</p><p>Jonas laughs and nods. “Yes. You have no idea how kissed-silly you look right now. I have never seen you like this, bro. It’s good to know that you have feelings in there somewhere.” </p><p>“Please stop.” I groan in agony and embarrassment.</p><p>“Is he a good kisser?”</p><p>“I will punch you in the face.”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>Jonas is still smiling, eyes bright with mischief and curiosity. </p><p>“So, is he? I want to know. You weren’t forthcoming with the details last time.”</p><p>I growl. “If you must know, yes he is a great kisser.” great doesn’t even begin to capture it.</p><p>“Aww you are blushing harder thinking about it. How cute.” Jonas coos. After he’s had his fun at my expense, adopts a serious expression and voice when he asks, “so what does this mean?”</p><p>I know exactly what he is asking, so I decide to be honest with him. “I’m falling for him all over again. I think that’s obvious.”</p><p>“Yes it is.” Jonas’ face splits into such a huge grin. He looks so happy for me and for a moment I’m touched by how much he cares about. “Are you okay with that?”</p><p>“I know it’ll bother me later, but for tonight I don’t want to ruin this good feeling with worries or thoughts of what I’ll do with these feelings.”</p><p>“I understand. Let’s not talk about this anymore then. Enjoy being a lovesick puppy for the night.”</p><p>“Should we watch a movie?”</p><p>“No can do. Agnes is coming over.”</p><p>“Well lucky you.” I smirk at Jonas and wiggle my eyebrows suggestively at him.</p><p>“I know how long it’s been for you. We’ll try to be quiet for your sake.”</p><p>“Fuck you, Jonas.”</p><p>“You are welcome.”</p><p>********</p><p>Isak answers my video call and his face appears on my phone screen. He's still lying on his pillow and spotting the most adorable bedhead I’ve ever seen. He looks so beautiful. I’ve only been gone a week and in that time Isak and I have been video calling each other and texting, but nothing seems enough. I still miss him so much.</p><p>"Good morning, baby." I say to him.</p><p>The corner of Isak's lips tips up into a little smile. "Good morning."</p><p>"How did you sleep?"</p><p>Still holding his phone up and in place, Isak rolls into his back and takes his time languidly stretching.  He looks like a kitten. It's too fucking cute. My heart can't take it.</p><p>"I slept well enough. You?"</p><p>"It was a beautiful night last night and it's a lovely morning now. I was just out to take pictures of some parts of the city."</p><p>"Look at you waking up all early and being productive on a Saturday morning. I hate you so much."</p><p>"Some of us have to chase the beauty of the world." I reply, laughing.</p><p>Isak falls silent and just stares at me with a lopsided grin on his face.</p><p>"I wish I could take pictures of you. You look so beautiful right now." I find myself voicing out my thoughts.</p><p>"Come back home now and you can take all the pictures you want."</p><p>My pulse picks up pace at how good that sounds coming from Isak. My overly eager mind can picture a time in the future when I'll take trips like this away from Isak and our home together then we'll call each other in the nights and mornings and Isak will invite me back home because he misses me. "I miss you." I hear myself vociign out my thoughts once again.</p><p>"It's a little boring here without you, I'll give you that."</p><p>I grin, falling deeper in love with Isak right this minute.</p><p>"Send me some images you took today. I want to see." Isak says</p><p>"Why don't I...."</p><p>"Good morning, Goldilocks." Someone calls out in the background on Isak’s side, cutting me off. I think I recognise that voice. It sounds like Jonas.</p><p>"Goldilocks?" I repeat with a half snot, half chuckle</p><p>Isak groans and looks away from the screen. "Don't call me like that."</p><p>"Again, get a haircut."</p><p>"My hair is fine."</p><p>A hand appears on screen and ruffles Isak's hair. God I want to touch his hair like that. I’m happy to hear that he has no plans on cutting it shorter.</p><p>"What do you want for breakfast?" Jonas asks him.</p><p>"Anything is fine."</p><p>"Will eggs and toast do?"</p><p>"Sounds good."</p><p>"Come with me to the kitchen then."</p><p>"I'm on the phone with Even."</p><p>"Oh, my bad." Next thing Jonas joins Isak on the bed and his face appears on the screen. "Hi Even." He says enthusiastically.</p><p>"Hey Jonas."</p><p>"You look well. How is Trondheim?"</p><p>"Great. Business is so good. I might move out here."</p><p>"You might?" Isak asks, eyebrows raised. He looks so serious all of a sudden, surprising me.</p><p>"Maybe. It's only a thought for now."</p><p>The frown on his face disappears but the thin of his lips remains. "You wouldn't make such a decision without talking to me about it, would you?"</p><p>"No I wouldn't, Isak." My insides are dancing, delighting in how much Isak cares about my life choices, how involved he wants to be in my life, and that he's comfortable enough to show that care to his best friend.</p><p>Jonas is now staring at Isak with a smile on his face, and I think that maybe he's thinking the same thing as me. I hope he is. It would really be awesome to have Jonas' support right now.</p><p>Finally tearing his gaze from Isak, Jonas looks back at screen. "Hey, bro it's good that the change of scenery is working out for you. I don't mind chasing greater fortune myself. Keep me posted on the bakery life over there."</p><p>Isak gives Jonas a dirty look. "What, you want to abandon me too?"</p><p>"Wherever I go, you go." Jonas playfully pokes Isak's cheek.</p><p>"How romantic." I tease them and Isak makes a gagging sound that makes both Jonas and me laugh.</p><p>"Moving here is only a thought but I will be staying here for a week or two more than planned."</p><p>"Aww but we miss you already." Jonas complains. "Don't we, Issy?" He smirks at Isak who answers him with a deadpan expression on the face.</p><p>After a few seconds Isak looks back at me. "Yes we miss you."</p><p>"Especially Issy since he spends more time with you when you are here and all." Jonas adds and this time Isak looks like he is about to really hurt Jonas if he doesn't shut up. I'm enjoying the display quite a bit.</p><p>"Sorry, Even but this lazy boy came in from work exhausted last night and skipped dinner. I need to get some proper food into his stomach like right now. I'll make sure he calls you back after he's eaten, okay?"</p><p>On one hand it's nice to see that Jonas is taking great care of Isak but I'm also slightly envious and jealous of how domestic and intimate their friendship is. They have almost exactly what I want to have with Isak. I want to wake up next to him on Saturday mornings, fondly ruffle his hair, kiss him on the lips and make eggs and toast for him.</p><p>"Alright. Talk to you two later."</p><p>"Send me those images, Even." Isak reminds me</p><p>"Check your phone in 10 minutes….Goldilocks."</p><p>Isak’s jaw goes slack, scandalised. “Not you too.”</p><p>Jonas guffaws. “See? Even gets it too. you are such a Goldilocks, bro.”</p><p>Isak pouts. “I hate you both. Talk to you later, Even."</p><p>I want to blow him a kiss so badly, but Jonas is there and that's just embarrassing. "Later." I say and end the call.</p><p>********</p><p>For the first two weeks that Even is gone, I barely notice since we talk a whole lot on the phone anyway. I also don’t expect to feel any type of way since he’s only been back in my life for a few months now. But I think I do feel something deep down- emptiness. I didn’t realise until now how much change Even has brought into my life thought my life would simply reset back to how it was before he came along, but what’s happening is far from it.</p><p>I feel lifeless and lonely somehow. Before I started hanging out with Even, I was okay with my routine lifestyle of work and chills with Jonas. That’s not enough now. I never felt lonely before when Jonas went off to spend time alone with his girlfriend but I feel it now and during those quiet moments when I’m by myself, my mind wonders off into thoughts of Even and how good I feel spending time with him. Going for walks, sightseeing and taking pictures, gossiping about our friends, watching movies, visiting flower shops, the laughing and teasing, me reading to him and him cooking for me or bringing me silly hand-crafted gifts.</p><p>I also think about the softer stuff I’m too afraid to admit I actually want to do with him. Things like cuddles, going to bed and waking up together to a bunch of morning kisses, Even belonging to me….</p><p>It’s hard to pinpoint when it happened but I realise now that somewhere along the way I stopped reminiscing about what Even and I had when we were younger. Of course those memories will always be kept and treasured in my heart. I’ll never forget that at a time when my closeted life was its darkest, Even took my hand and guided me to freedom. He brought me out of my shell and told me that it was okay to be who I was. It took me a while to get close to him and trust him enough to share my thoughts but he was cool and so nice to me. He was honest and a perfect depiction of free-spirited confidence. Even knew himself, what he wanted from life and how he wanted to live as an openly pansexual guy. Nothing and no one could stop him.</p><p>I was drawn to that because he had the one thing I didn’t have- courage. Eventually I opened up to him about my feelings, that I was attracted to boys and afraid of those feelings. It was something I’d never told my friends or my parents.  Even became the first person to tell me that it was okay to feel the way I felt, to be who I was. So of course I easily fell in love with him and we started a beautiful romance. A secret romance, but a beautiful one still. I was so happy with Even. Nothing else in the world could compare to how happy he made me.</p><p>Until very recently, I still think of how much fun we had together. Recently the past is no longer my main focus. Lately my mind has been more preoccupied about the things to come, the things I want to share with Even, the new memories we could make together. I’m more concerned with thoughts of the hope Even has been promising me since he came back into my life; the promises of happiness he could give me now. The future.</p><p>“Agnes has abandoned me to go clubbing with her friends tonight. That means I’m all yours.” Jonas announces when he saunters into our living room on a Friday evening.</p><p>That makes me smile and I look up from my phone. “How nice that I’m your second choice.”</p><p>“Don’t be like that, Issy. You are my bestie but Agnes is great in bed. Choosing between you two is really a rock and a hard place for me.”</p><p>“After everything we’ve been through you still choose great sex over me.”</p><p>“You’ll get it real soon when you and Even start getting it on.” Jonas chortles and I throw a cushion at him. To my dismay, I miss completely. Jonas sits down on the couch beside me and suggests we watch a movie.</p><p>“What are you in the mood to watch?” I ask him.</p><p>“Thanks to Even I like romance films now.” Jonas shakes his head like he can’t believe what his life has become.  </p><p>“Yeah he does make us watch a lot of those huh.”</p><p>Jonas nods and then laughs suddenly. “Remember the time he made us watch The Vow? He kept staring at you. I was certain he was about to drop on one knee and propose.”</p><p>“What! Really?” I’m appalled.</p><p>Jonas looks at me and half of the laughter has gone from his face. “I’ve been wondering one thing. How long do you intend on pretending that you and Even don’t have some sort of disgusting fated romance going on?”</p><p>Jonas question is the opening I’ve been waiting for because as soon as he voices it out, all my emotions come pouring out uncontrollably. “I’ve been thinking a lot actually, about my feelings for him. I miss him so much since he’s been gone.”</p><p>“That’s obvious. When you guys video call, the both of you always look ready to take the next flight out to meet and kiss each other silly or whatever. It’s gross actually.” Jonas grins.</p><p>I crack a small smile at the thought of how much I want to kiss Even right now. Until Jonas speaks up again, I’m totally oblivious to the fact that Jonas is closely regarding me. “Trondheim isn’t that far you know.” </p><p>My eyes widen at what he’s suggesting. I give him a pointed, questioning look and he answers me with a nod and a shrug. “Why not? You have no work this weekend and you miss him. I bet he’s dying to see you.”  </p><p>I look away from Jonas to silently contemplate the idea with a racing heart and reeling mind. Jonas reads my reluctance right away and he clamps his hand on my shoulder to reclaim my attention. “Seriously bro you have to start working this shit out. You can’t live in pretence and fear for ever. You are fortunate enough to have met Even again. There is a second chance at happiness waiting for you. Not a lot of people get that. More importantly if you want people to understand and respect you for who you are, you have to stand up, love yourself and be confident in yourself first.”</p><p>Tears prickle the back of my eyes and I do my best to blink them away.</p><p>I want to say something but words fail me. Jonas seems to consider it an invitation to go on, so he does. “Your problems won’t go away over night, but avoiding them won’t help you either.” He puts his other hand on my other shoulder as well and looks me directly in the eye. “Repeat after me. My name is Isak Valtersen, I’m gay, I’m in love with Even Bech Naesheim and there is nothing wrong with that or with me.”</p><p>I shake my head to afraid to admit it out loud. “You can’t get past this if you don’t admit it, Isak.” Jonas insists.</p><p>I quickly wipe the tears rolling down my cheek and take a deep breath for gather some much needed strength. “My name is Isak Valtersen, I’m gay, I’m in love with Even Bech Naesheim and there is nothing wrong with it or with me.”</p><p>Jonas smiles at me then, big and bright, all proud. “There it is. It’s time to take your life back, man. I know you lost a lot in your past, but you are not alone.”</p><p>I know I have a long way to go with becoming comfortable in my own skin but I admit there is some liberty in admitting my feelings out loud. From deep down inside, I feel a little better.</p><p>“If you want to see Even, You should go visit him.”</p><p>“Yes I should.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One chapter to go!!!! That should be up by next week. meanwhile, enjoy this one&lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Isak told me he wanted to come to Trondheim to visit, it sounded nearly too good to be and to protect my overly hopeful heart, I told myself not to believe it until it happens. Not even on my way to the airport- all nervous but excited- did I believe that Isak was really on his way to see me.</p><p>Now here he is standing right in front of me in the middle of the airport bustle. He looks stunning too in mere a pair of blue jeans, a green Nike hoodie, and unsurprisingly a grey snapback.</p><p>We lock gazes, and stare at each other, smiling impossibly wide. A huge lump settles in my belly because looking at him now in all his handsome, inviting glory makes me realise how much I’ve missed him. Every part of me aches to throw myself into his arms and kiss him like the very taste of him is key to my existence.</p><p>His thoughts are not different from mine. I can tell.</p><p>It’s probably too much to kiss the hell out of him like I really want to, but I have to do something before my heart jumps out of my chest, so I settle for pulling him into a quick hug that leaves me hungrier for more than satisfied. I take in his scent and warmth as he presses into my chest.</p><p>We pull away. “Hi.” Isak breathes.</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>He studies my appearance for about half a second and he looks impressed. “You look good. Trondheim life seems to agree with you.”</p><p>“Thanks. I hope you’ll see why during your short stay here.” Gosh I want to kiss him so badly. It doesn’t help that I can see Isak’s gaze skating over my lips every now and again.</p><p>“I need this little vacation, so thanks for having me.”</p><p>“I must mention that I’m renting a very small space in a low cost area, so my hospitality isn’t what a hotel would offer.”</p><p>Isak rolls his eyes at me but in a fond way. “Even, I missed <em>you</em> not your cheap apartment.”</p><p>Apparently it’s possible for my smile to get wider. “I missed you too, Isak.” Without wasting another second, I take Isak’s backpack from him and usher him towards the glass door exit. “Let’s get this weekend started then?”</p><p>“I can’t wait.”</p><p>**********</p><p>When we get to Even’s room, he doesn’t bother with offer me any welcoming greetings and I don’t bother with accolades about his space since it’s nearly empty anyway aside from a visible queen size bed and a few basic essentials here and there in the small kitchen area. Typical scenario for someone who isn’t staying long.</p><p>Even wordlessly pins me to the nearest wall, none too gently, cups my face in his palms and kisses me.</p><p>Even is always passionate when he kisses me, but with a gentle quality to that passion. Today he’s as desperate as I am and the kiss is heated, hurried, intense, his tongue lascivious in its exploration of my mouth; like he is a man finally drinking after a long dry spell of agonizing thirst, like he is afraid I’ll disappear if he doesn’t kiss me hard enough. Even has told and shown we countless times how much I mean to him, yet somehow he’s making that much clearer right now. I can’t be sure he understands my matching eagerness but I can only hope that the intensity with which I’m clutching onto his jacket and licking into his mouth is a good sign of that.</p><p>“I missed you so much. “Even whispers in between kisses.</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“I’m so glad you are here.”</p><p>“Me too.”  I know I’m starting to sound redundant but honestly it’s hard for me to form a sensible sentence at a moment like this. I’m thankful when his hands leave my face and trail lower to hold my waist because I feel like I might crumble to the floor any second now without anything holding me up. The world around us has seized to exist and my mind emptied of any fears until all I can think about is Even. It’s so liberating. I feel like I’m floating on air.</p><p>When Even starts to pull away, a throaty protest escapes me and I pull him back down for more.</p><p>Eventually we are forced to pull apart before someone passes out from a lack of oxygen.  “Please tell me you are not regretting this yet.” He pleads</p><p>My eyes are drawn to his lips when he bites them. I want to kiss him some more. so I slide my hand up until it cups the back of his neck and I pull him down, going straight for his lower lip and sucking it into my mouth. The throaty moan I get out of him excites me.</p><p>In the back of my mind I know I’m still very shaky about certain things, but that’s not what I want to think of right now. I don’t know what this will lead to or how far this would go or the consequences that will occur if it continued. But I can’t stop. Not when Even’s head is buried in the crook of my neck, breathing shakily and nipping at my pulse gently. The feeling is too maddening for me to walk away now. I don’t know how I went years without this glorious feeling of Even’s mouth on my skin, of his hands skating across whatever part of my body he can reach; but now that I’ve tasted the feeling again, I can already feel myself getting too addicted to try and continue my life without it after this.</p><p>*********</p><p>Isak’s lips are soft and smooth against mine and my mind is reeling at the way our mouths are gliding together so perfectly. Our hips are aligned and pressing against each other tightly and when my tongue peeks out to run along the seam of Isak’s bottom lip, he gasps and started to rock against him slowly. I shudder at the slow roll of Isak’s hips against my hardening length and I rock back steadily as his lips trailed down the smooth column of my throat. I run my hands up his shapely thighs and give his ass a nice squeeze. There are no words to describe how much I missed having Isak in my arms like this, feeling him with each one of my senses. </p><p>I’m so far gone that I’m barely even aware of Isak’s fingers trailing down my chest and over my abs until the button of my jeans pops open and I hear the slide of my zipper going down. My heart stammers in my chest and I froze, grabbling Isak’s wrist before it can go any further.</p><p>He looks at me, all delectably wanton and I just want to ravish him some more, but I have to be sure we both want the same thing.</p><p>“I should warn you that I won’t be able to keep any restraint for this entire visit.” I whisper against Isak’s lips. “Just to be clear.”</p><p>“I’m okay with that… just to be clear.” Isak says, staring so longingly at me. But there is something else in his eyes, another emotion. If I’m not too out of it to read him well, he looks nervous. What he says next confirms that suspicion “You should know that it’s been a very, very long time since I had sex.”</p><p>“Allow me to refresh your memory.” I tease just to get a smile out of him and hopefully help him relax. It seems to work. He tilts his head to the side, smiling fondly at me. I lean forward and press a kiss against his forehead. “I’ll take care of you.”</p><p>“I trust you.”</p><p>I’ve waited years to hear Isak say those words. To me they mean more than <em>I love you</em>. It means more to me that he finally believes in me again.</p><p>Without wasting another moment, I hoist Isak up by the thighs, legs locking around his waist as he walked us toward my bed.</p><p>*********</p><p>Sunlight is streaming through the curtains of my room when I wake up. I languidly stretch and rub the sleep out of my eyes with my hands. It’s pretty much business as usual until I realise I’m not alone. Right, Isak is here. I glance at him beside me and notice he is still sound asleep, lying on his side and facing me with a hand tucked under his pillow while the other is curled up in front of his mouth, breathing quietly and looking like the cutest, most innocent thing I’ve ever seen. It is so much different than the Isak I remember from last night. His face looks so soft and relaxed, like he doesn’t have any problems in the world. My heart unexpectedly melts at the sight. I want him to have this kind of ease when he’s awake too.</p><p>My eyes wonder over the contours of his body; eyes roving over the smooth slope of his bare shoulder and down the curve of his waist to the arch of his hip barely covered by my rumpled cotton sheets. I give into the irresistible urge to feel how the delicate curve of Isak’s waist feels like under my arm as I pull him close to me.</p><p>Isak stirs at this point and he curls into his warmth and tucks his head under my chin. He lazily slides his arm around my waist and stills, seemingly falling back asleep. But then he stirs again and again until he tilts his head back to blink his sleepy eyes at me. I offer him a smile as I let my hand caress the soft, smooth expanse of Isak’s porcelain skin from his ribcage, down to his waist and his hip.   </p><p>Isak sighs and keeps blinking until his vision appears to get clearer then he smiles back at me and whispers. “Good morning.”</p><p>Okay no regrets yet. This is looking good. A part of me was a little nervous about what kind of reaction I’d get from Isak this morning after what we did last night.</p><p>“Good morning. Sleep well?”</p><p>“When I could, yes. You?”</p><p>I brush the bangs out of Isak’s face. “I slept almost too well.”</p><p>“Is that why you are already up and staring at me like a creep?” He grins at me and lifts his hand to touch my face, his thumb gliding over the apple of my cheek.</p><p>“Yes actually.” I admit, feeling no need to downplay my leering. I lean down and press our lips together quickly, and gently. My heart races at the way Isak’s hand curls around the back of my neck to hold me still while he deepens the kiss.</p><p>I’m dreamed of this moment so many times but even those images in my head never came close to wonderful this feels in real life. I feel so young, excited and invigorated from having Isak here with me, desiring me. What we had in the past will always have a special place in my heart and I could never forget those memories; but this is a new chapter for me. All this intimacy with Isak feels familiar yet new at the same time. I’m not the Even I used to be getting reconnected with the Isak he used to be. The new me in getting intimately acquainted with the new Isak.</p><p>We’ve both changed a lot over the years and undoubtedly we’ve both acquired some undesirable traits along the way but I have no interest in going back to my old self or having the old Isak back. This Isak lying sweetly and pliantly in my arms with all his hesitation, his fears and other flaws is the Isak I want.</p><p>When they finally pull apart, Isak is still smiling at me. “So far I like this vacation.” He says.</p><p>“Really? I’ve barely put in any work to give you a good time.”</p><p>Isak winks suggestively at me. “I think you’ve already put in all the work we can all handle.”</p><p>I laugh at that and then we both fall silent, just staring at each other. I reach out to card my fingers through his hair. “What made you decide to come here?” It’s a question I’ve been mulling over since he announced he was coming to Trondheim.</p><p>Isak doesn’t answer right away and when he does, I’m left touched beyond words. “I didn’t need to spend one more day missing you when I could just come here and be with you.”</p><p>“So, you are really okay with being here with me like this?”</p><p>“I don’t want to overthink anything. Right now, I want you and I’m okay with that. Can’t we have that much for now?”</p><p>It’s important that I know where Isak’s head is at what he’s thinking and feeling but he’s right; If we get into that this visit could go all sorts of wrong. Shoving all our issues aside might not be a bright idea but I’d much rather enjoy what I have in front of me right now and deal with our problems later.  </p><p>“Yes we can.” I nod affirmatively and lean down to give his lips a kiss. “What would you like to do today?”</p><p>“I’m more than okay with staying in bed all day.”</p><p>“As awesome as that sounds, I need to recharge with fresh air, a walk, coffee and food at some point. I’m no longer a ferocious college boy.”</p><p>“Didn’t seem that way last night…or this morning.”</p><p>Taking that as a compliment, I give Isak a bright smile and lean down to show my appreciation by giving his lips a kiss. “Good to know.”</p><p>He stretches under the covers and runs a palm over his face all the way through his hair. “That food idea sounds attractive though. Let’s order breakfast.”</p><p>“I know a place close by which serves better breakfast food.”</p><p>Isak gives me a sour look in clear indication that he hates the suggestion. “So like, we have to get out of bed?”</p><p>“Yes, honey bunch. Come on.” I move into a sitting position and reach for his arms to pull him up, his groaning and protesting be damned. I really missed his grumpiness in the morning.</p><p>********</p><p>By the time we leave my place and set out for the café, Isak seems to be in a marginally better, more optimistic mood. I like to believe that the blowjob I gave him in the shower has a lot to do with it.</p><p>“The café I’m taking you to have these great doughnuts I think you’ll love.”</p><p>“Save it, Even. I’m already out of bed. You don’t have to butter me up.” He rolls his eyes, looking away probably to hide the little smile on his lips. I see it anyway.</p><p>“This city is nice.” Isak says after we’ve been walking in silence for a little while. I turn my attention to him and find that his face is turned up towards the sky. “Maybe it’s because I’ve never been, but the sun looks brighter here.”</p><p>I’m thinking the same thing except for me it’s a brighter day because I’m walking beside my favourite person in the world. Every now and again I glance at him just to make sure he’s still here and I’m not dreaming; to make sure I didn’t imagine every kiss, caress and loving stare I spent time committing to memory last night as we made love.</p><p>“There is so much I’d like to show you here.”</p><p>“Like what?” </p><p>The rest of the short walk to the café, I fill Isak in briefly about the few awesome places I’ve visited and enjoyed during my stay here; the movie theatres, restaurants, rooftop views, arcades, museums, gardens and parks.</p><p>“By far I’m most interested in the arcades.”</p><p>“And movie theatres?” I ask hopefully.</p><p>Isak grins, shaking his head. “I only have a few hours left here and I won’t spend them listening to you give your pretentiously ‘woke’ opinion on some poor movie.” At least he has the decency to look apologetic about dissing me like this.</p><p>I gape at Isak, mock offended. “I’m not that bad, and for your information I’m not pretentious…anymore.”</p><p>Isak laughs at that. Seeing and hearing him laugh with genuine glee feels like a hug. I instantly want to pull him into my arms and kiss him right this second, but I settle for holding his hand, so I reach for it.</p><p>But the moment our hands touch, Isak tenses and retracts his with lightning speed. At the same time he looks up at me, smile long gone and with panic where there was joy in his eyes a few moments ago. I watch him not-so-subtly look around as if searching for something or someone. He appears to calm down when his gaze comes back to me.</p><p>He smiles uneasily at me and starts saying something but whatever it is dies on his tongue. Maybe my facial expression reflects how hurt I am- I can’t be sure- but whatever face I’m wearing has Isak suddenly uneasy and slightly remorseful too.</p><p>I’m pretty sure he was looking around to make sure no one saw me try to reach for his hand. After Isak willingly visited me here and stayed the night, I thought Isak has finally moved passed his fears and is ready to be with me, but I guess I’m being too presumptuous expecting him to make a complete change of heart s fast. It really hurts that he’s still not comfortable enough with himself and with me to merely hold hands in public, but I also can’t hold that against him because we are two different people with different struggles. What seems simple for me is a big deal for him and if I hope to make him trust me again, I have to be understanding and patient with him. God knows I can’t lose him again now.  </p><p>“I’m sorry.” I tell him most earnestly.</p><p>“It’s cool.” He says way too quickly as if he’s hoping we pretend nothing just happened.</p><p>“Really I shouldn’t have tried that. It was short sighted of me.”</p><p>“It’s fine. Let’s…move on.” He replies, confirming my suspicions about how he’d rather not discuss this.</p><p>When we get to the café, I try as much as possible to be cool about what just happened, to talk and laugh like normal but Isak seems to be checked out. He has barely touched his coffee and doughnut and he can barely look me in the eye and that just makes my agony worse. Isak momentarily put all his reservations aside, came here to be with me, trusting me with his heart for one single day. All I had to do is work within his boundaries, but instead I disturbed his delicate comfort and now everything is ruined. </p><p>How the fuck do I fix this?</p><p>“I have to make a phone call outside. I’ll be right now.” Isak suddenly announces and steps out before I can inquire further.</p><p>********</p><p>The fresh air outside the café feels great. My breakfast date with Even feels so damned suffocating. The elusive peace of this whole day is falling apart and it’s my entire fault. I’m so freaking embarrassed and ashamed of myself for reacting that was to a mere gesture of hand-holding. It’s not like Even tried to kiss me.</p><p>I need to talk to Jonas before I’m tempted to run away from Even now and never see him again. I take out my phone and make quick work of dialling Jonas’ number.</p><p>“Miss me already? I seriously doubt it.” Jonas answers after a few rings.</p><p>“I messed up, Jonas.”</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>“Even tried to hold my hand and I panicked. Now I feel all guilty and it’s making everything awkward.”</p><p>“So, you don’t want to hold hands with him? Is he moving too fast for you?”</p><p>I snort. “I slept with him last night, so a little hand-holding isn’t a fast development.”</p><p>Not surprisingly, Jonas lets out a loud whoop that forces me to hold my phone away from my ear for a few seconds. “My boy got laid. Finally. I think I’m gonna cry. I’m so proud.”</p><p>I can picture how ridiculously joyous Jonas’ face must look right now and if I wasn’t so tense with worry, I would be laughing at the image. But I am tense and desperate for help. “The problem is Even tried to hold my hand just now…in broad daylight, in public.”</p><p>“Oh. I see.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Does Even seem upset?”</p><p>“Well I don’t think so. You know him. He’s always smiling and shit, but what if he’s upset on the inside?”</p><p>“Or maybe he really doesn’t mind. You need to let all that guilt and overthinking stuff go, bro. It’s never done you any good. If you want things to work out between you and Even- which I assume you do- you need to improve your communication. Talk about your feelings more. Go back and address what happened. Ask him if he’s upset. I’m sure he’ll tell you, and then you’ll know how to proceed. This issue is between the both of you. If either one of you has a problem, you need to tell each other. Relationships are for two people. You don’t have to agonise by yourself.”</p><p>“Okay.” I reply, my voice suddenly shaky. “You are right.” Gosh I’ve been out of the dating game for so fucking long that I’ve forgotten how any of this romantic relationship stuff goes.</p><p>“Okay? Are we good?”</p><p>“Yeah. Thank you. Really. I owe you big time for this.”</p><p>“Buy me fried chicken and a beer when you return.”</p><p>That lifts my spirits a whole lot and I manage a smile. “Deal.”</p><p>**********</p><p>I look out the window and watch Isak standing out there on the pavement, looking quite rattled. I wonder what he's thinking about.  What makes me really panic is when he takes out his phone, frantically dials a number and starts talking to someone. This is really bad. Who is Isak talking to and what is he saying? I just know it's about what happened on the way here.</p><p>Oh God! This is a fucking disaster.  I reach for my phone too and type a quick text to Mikael, hoping he's free to talk.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> help!!!!!!</p><p>Thankfully Mikael does reply quickly, reminding me that there is a heaven somewhere.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> What’s going on?</p><p><strong>You:</strong> I tried to hold Isak's hand and he freaked out.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> have you tried gently explaining to him that in 2020 people not only have casual sex with random strangers but they really go all the way as far as holding hands?</p><p>I roll my eyes at Mikael's sarcasm and I want to give an equally offensive retort, but there is no time for that now. For all I know Isak could be booking a flight out of Trondheim right now.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> I mean I reached for his hand in public, you idiot.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> I still don't get what the big deal is.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> I think he's in a different place as me. PDA is a big deal for him.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> I thought by this time you'd be texting me to brag about how great the sex with him was. This is just sad.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> we did have sex and it was great. Now all that progress is ruined because I got overzealous.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> first of all congratulations on getting laid by your one true love. Secondly, just apologise to him, genius.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> I already did, but things are still awkward between us.</p><p>Mikael: is he with you right now? Maybe you shouldn't be texting someone else while things are so tense between you guys over there.</p><p><strong>You:</strong> He's outside talking on the phone to God knows who about God knows what.</p><p><strong>Mikael:</strong> He's probably having a conversation with someone about this issue. Lol. Anyway, it was honest mistake on your part. Just keep apologising and maybe throw in a cheesy gift. He liked your brand of over-the-top romance back on college. Maybe it can still work. More importantly, TALK TO HIM!</p><p><strong>You: </strong>I don’t know what to say. Besides, talking is almost never a good thing. What if he tells me he regrets coming here?</p><p><strong>Mikael: </strong>The game of love is a battle, my friend. If you are not ready to go out of your way to win, then don’t come to the battle field at all.</p><p>I start typing a reply but then I’m interrupted when Isak comes back and takes his seat in front of me. I quickly put my phone away and smile edgily at him. His smile is equally as robotic. We stay like that, apprehensively staring at each other for a few uncomfortable seconds and then Isak suddenly snaps.</p><p>“Even, I think it’s time that we have that impending conversation.” He says to me.</p><p>
  <em>Those are the scariest words I’ve heard in a while.</em>
</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Ten (The End Part 1)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Can Isak and Even finally find a way to have their much desired happy ending?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The final chapter got a little too long so i split it into two parts, forming 2 chapters instead of one. As such, this has turned into a double update. I felt the need to add certain stuff to make the story more conclusive and deliver not only a happy ending but one that's realistic and hopeful as well. I hope you'll agree as you read.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The level of awkward silence Even and I had at breakfast in the café a little while ago doesn’t even compare to the level during the walk back to his place. I can tell he is trying and failing to say something and sadly I’m no better. The weather is so lovely on this bright Sunday morning and we can’t even enjoy it because of how fucking sad our lives are.</p><p>“Would you like some tea?” Even offers when we get to his place.</p><p>God no. I can’t put anything in my churning stomach right now. I’m far too nervous about the imminent talk hanging in the air between us. “No thanks.” I reach for his hand and interlace our fingers. “Let’s talk first.”</p><p>He nods and lets me lead him to the bedroom. We sit down on the bed, facing each other but neither of us can say a single thing. There is so much emotion written in Even’s eyes, the most notable being the reflection of how scared and nervous he is. It’s fairly easy for me to figure out why he’s feeling that way. “We obviously have some issues to work out along the way, but I’m done running from my feelings for you. I want to be with you.” I tell him because it seems important for him know this even before we’ve said anything else. I don’t want Even feeling unsure about where I stand with him.</p><p>According the relief that visibly washes over him, I just said the right thing. “Thank goodness.” He laughs shakily and takes my hands in his. It’s killing me thinking of how agonising his fears must be. “I didn’t mean to push so hard with the PDA. I’m so sorry.” Even continues.</p><p>I grimace. “<em>You</em> are sorry. <em>I’m</em> sorry. You and I are always sorry. Aren’t you sick of it?”</p><p>Confusion overtakes Even’s face as his eyes silently ask me elaborate. So I do just that. “To be honest I’m scared of my feelings for you. I have trust issues and I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable being openly gay. Most days I still feel so bad about how I lost faith in you and walked away all those years ago. My coming here to be with you this weekend is supposed to be a first step towards conquering all those negative feelings I have.” I let out a bitter laugh. “It was going great and then I ruined everything by overthinking some mere hand-holding. I want to be okay for you but I’m just not.” My voice thickens with emotion as a thick lump settles in my throat.</p><p>“Isak, its fine if you’re not okay. I’m not asking you to be.”</p><p>I take in sharp breath. “I need to be okay for myself too. I know that I can’t move forward looking at the past. I know that all the shame and embarrassment we went through is in the past and I know that no one is judging me anymore in modern day Norway. I know all these things, but I just….”</p><p>There’s silence between us for a moment while I’m finding the courage to say more.</p><p>“You are not quite there yet?” Even provides after I’ve been silent probably for a little too long.</p><p>I nod. “I wish I were as brave as you.”</p><p>“I’m not as brave as you think. We just have different fears and anxieties. Overcoming one’s own reservations and healing from old wounds in a different journey for everyone. You can’t compare yourself to me or anyone else. You have to love yourself enough to be patient with yourself.”</p><p>“I can’t be sure I have enough love and patience.”</p><p>Even smiles, bringing his hands up to caress my cheeks and then he kisses my lips tenderly. “Then I’ll show you love and patience where you fail to.”</p><p>My chest feels like it’s about to combust. “That’s not fair to you.”</p><p>“You are worth it. Can’t you see that?” Even’s eyes are so full of love and hope as he says that, making it impossible for me to hold my tears back.</p><p>“Not really.” I tearfully shake my head.</p><p>“We’ll work on that too.” Even continues, his warm hands sweeping the stray strands of my hair from my eyes while gazing lovingly at me. “You are not alone anymore, working out the hard stuff. We are in this together. I don’t need you to pretend you are okay either for my sake. We have to be honest with each other to help each other, okay?”</p><p>“Please don’t give up on me.” He answers me with a kiss. He kisses me with everything he has, until I can feel his love, until hope starts to unfurl in my belly, until I have no reason to doubt him or our love.</p><p>I’m feeling so many emotions at once between regret for the time we’ve wasted apart and my desperation for a fresh start, hope for a better future for us. Even crowds me in his arms and I pressed my face against his neck, drawing comfort from his unique scent. I feel his lips press a soft kiss against my hair. I couldn’t protect this when we had it in the past but fate has given me another chance to do better.</p><p>It’s a chance I will not waste.</p><p>“Even...” I whisper, and Even pulls back to look at me</p><p>I stare up at him, saying. “I’m sorry I left you but this is the last time I’m apologising for our past mistakes. I want to focus on doing better in our future, to take better care of your heart. Let’s officially try again without any guilt, hesitation or apologies.”</p><p>I know that we still had a lot to sort out and I have a lot of growing to do, but Even is right- we are stronger together than apart. We can only fight the demons of our past if we stick together.</p><p>Even nods, smiling wider than I’ve seen in a long time. “I’d like that very much.”</p><p>Then finally, finally, I take a  deep breath and say, “I love you, Even.” because I still haven’t said it yet and it’s so long overdue. “That has been a difficult thing for me to admit to myself especially out loud but I’ll get better and more comfortable saying it, even in front of other people.”</p><p>It doesn’t seem possible for Even to look any happier but he makes it happen after I say those three words. It’s as if he’s deeply satisfied after achieving an imperative need. He’s staring at me with such kindness, compassion and warmth; like I’m his highest treasure. I could certainly get used to this.</p><p>***********</p><p>“Should we go out again to salvage our ruined breakfast?” Isak asks me, tone soft and eyes hopeful.</p><p>I shake my head because now I want him here all to myself. “We don’t have to. I can make us that tea and then we’ll do whatever.”</p><p>“Can I join you in the kitchen?”</p><p>I nod vehemently because seriously, like I would ever say no to doing domestic shit with Isak.</p><p>By joining me in the kitchen he apparently means observing from a safe distance- sitting at the small kitchen table- while I’m boiling some water. I crane my neck to peer at him over my shoulder and chuckle. He shyly ducks his head with a guilty smile on his face.  </p><p>“Are you still scared of making tea?”</p><p>His head snaps up and it’s to give me a scandalised look. “Scared is too big a word. Uncomfortable is more accurate.”</p><p>“Uncomfortable.” I correct myself with exaggerated emphasis and Isak rolls his eyes at me but that doesn’t take away from the amusement on his face.</p><p>“If you must know, I haven’t gotten better at it over the years. I’m still useless in the kitchen. Is that a red flag for you?”</p><p>I stop myself just shy of saying something terribly cheesy. Sometimes even I have to contain myself. Instead I abandon my post for a few seconds to go and reassure my man. I lean down to give his lips a chaste kiss. “I believe you have a lot more to offer than just making good food and tea…. or lack thereof.”</p><p>*********</p><p>We retire back to my room to drink our tea. I ask Isak to get settled on the bed and hold our mugs while I make a quick dash to the closet to grab a blanket for us. After our shower this morning, we peeled the soiled sheets and blanket off the bed and we are yet to replace them. Until then we get comfortable under a light blanket and I reach for my laptop, placing it on my legs.</p><p>“What do you want to watch?”</p><p>Isak gives me a knowing smile. “Aren’t you fishing out another romance film as usual?”</p><p>“We can watch something else if you want.”</p><p>“I’m not complaining about the romance, Even. We can watch serendipity again.” </p><p> “Since you are in the mood for a repeat watch, I suggest the Great Gatsby- Leonardo DiCaprio version.”</p><p>“Leo DiCaprio over-acting again. oh joy.”</p><p>That makes me laugh. “Wolf of wall street is over-acting. The Great Gatsby is art.”</p><p>Isak sighs quietly and moves closer to me to rest his head against my shoulder. “This reminds me so much of our college days.”</p><p>“It does, doesn’t it?!” I say mostly to myself with a wistful smile. I’m so happy that we’ve found our way back to this.</p><p>*********</p><p>“Oh My God, does this guy have to die at the end of all his films?” Isak laments with a sour expression on his face after we’ve finished the movie and emptied our tea cups. “I think I forgot he died in this.”</p><p>“A love story isn’t epic unless someone dies.”</p><p>Isak scowls at me, clearly displeased. “What the hell kind of messed up logic is that?”</p><p>“Think about it. The best on-screen love stories all have major character death.” </p><p>Crossing his arms, Isak raises his eyebrows in challenge. “Does that apply to real life?”</p><p>“Hell no. That shit stays on TV.”</p><p>Isak’s whole face breaks into a smile. “Good answer. I’m so not widower material.”</p><p>“Widower?” Now I’m grinning like a lovesick idiot. “Is marriage written in our future?”</p><p>There is a fleeting moment where Isak appears to panic at the question as he belatedly realises what he’s just said; and this makes my stomach flip anxiously because maybe I’ve gone and put my foot in my mouth again. But shortly after, a look of utter serenity and delight replaces the panic on his face then he says. “What else can I do with you if not make you my husband?”</p><p>My beaming smile is from part relief, part glee because Isak is cool enough to talk about a serious future together with me; because actually sitting down to communicate better just this morning is already doing us a big favour and blurring a few boundaries between us. We are already settling into a warmer, more reassuring relationship.</p><p>More importantly, Isak wants to fucking marry me.</p><p>Isak reaches out and holds my cheeks in the palms of hands. “Your smile is so beautiful.” He kisses me on the lips and pulls back too quickly. “But you are banned from picking movies for the rest of the day. I can’t stand to see Leo or any other over dramatic ass actor die one more time.”</p><p>Both Isak and I burst into laughter.  </p><p>We spend the rest of the morning in bed, chatting with soft music playing in the background on my computer. Quiet mutterings mixed with low chuckles fill my room as we practically get to know more about each other because for the first time since Isak and I started spending time together, he is entirely comfortable with me.</p><p>I find out that Isak has wanted to join a gym for a while now but actually hates the idea and would rather run in the morning to stay fit he didn’t mind doing a lot of running back in his high school soccer days. when our conversation ventures into pet talk, I show Isak pictures of the types of dogs I want to adopt soon. </p><p>“You used to like cats. What happened?”</p><p>“I still like them, but more dogs these days. Puppies are so cute.”</p><p>“They won’t stay puppies forever you know.”</p><p>“Don’t ruin this for me.” I rebuke and Isak cackles.</p><p>*********</p><p>“Mikael wants to see you again in person.” Even says out of the blue. He’s overtaken with seriousness suddenly, meaning he thinks it’s a big deal for me meeting more people from my old life in Oslo. This topic doesn’t suit the lighter subjects we’ve just addressed at all, but I understand that this is an important discussion we must have.</p><p>I deliberate it for a moment and arrive at the conclusion that I actually have no problem with that. Mikael was always nice to me back in college. “Invite him for a movie with us or something when we get back home.”</p><p>“Is that really okay?” Even looks both surprised and hopeful.</p><p>I nod against Even’s pillow. “I’m sure.” I’m also interested in getting back in touch with the people and things that matter to Even. I don’t want him to doubt how serious I am about how serious my love for him is. “I think he and Jonas will get along famously.”</p><p>**********</p><p>Isak wants to see some more pictures I took recently, so we grab my computer and browse through them, exchanging comments until I suddenly realise I’ve been talking to myself for a little while now. To investigate his lack of reaction, I peer down at where he’s lying on my chest and it turns out he’s fallen asleep. I should be insulted but seriously who can stay mad at Isak?</p><p>I ruffle his hair and kiss his forehead before putting my laptop away. A nap wouldn’t hurt me either.</p><p>**********</p><p>I wake up to Isak still lying beside me but all awake this time and staring down at me with his head propped up on his elbow.</p><p>His smile grows wider as he watches me rub the sleep out of my eyes. “Hi.” He whispers</p><p>I turn onto my side as well to face him. “Hi.”</p><p>“I seem to remember you telling me last night that you won’t be holding anything back while I’m here. It’s around 1pm now and that means we haven’t had sex in almost 6 hours.” Isak looks so dissatisfied and his tone is so accusatory like I’ve done something of grave consequence. I’m really trying hard not to laugh at this. To be fair, I did promise and I’m a man of my word.</p><p>“I’m sorry, baby. Let me fix that now.” I finally give into my laughter as I reach for Isak and hug him tight. “I really love you.” The words just come pouring out of me because I can’t help myself.</p><p>Isak pulls back and kisses me sweetly, tenderly on the lips. “And I love you, but I’d really like you to show your love now.”  </p><p>***********</p><p>After two hours in bed together and an unnecessarily long bath, the obvious choice for us is to eat. I sigh tiredly at Even who is grinning at me like a self-satisfied freak. “Alright I admit I’m no longer as energetic as I used to be either.”</p><p>“There it is.”</p><p>I roll my eyes. “Now that we’ve established you are not the only one aging before your time, can you please feed me?” I ask sweetly, wrapping my arms around Even’s middle and putting my chin on his chest as I stare expectantly at him.</p><p>Even cups my cheeks in the palms of his hands and kisses me. “Let’s go out for a very late lunch.”</p><p>***********</p><p>We take a bus to the market where Even claims to know nice eating places. Apparently it’s not enough to eat at just one place, so we eat only a little at each place so that we eat at the next one too. Honestly I’ve never done something like this and I admit it’s so much fun.</p><p>Sadly eating has to reach its end eventually no matter how delicious the food is, and that for me happens after we’ve visited 4 places. That doesn’t stop me from giving into Even’s offer to take me to one last place for dessert at a place he says serves the dreamiest cakes he’s ever had in his life.</p><p>I don’t know about the rest of the menu, but the blue velvet and red velvet cakes we order do taste dreamy.</p><p>“Let’s sit down for a little while. I’m too full.” I whine when Even just bounces up, ready for the next adventure like he hasn’t just eaten a multitude of food after spending hours having sex. I’m starting to suspect he’s lying about the amount of stamina he possesses.</p><p>He laughs at me but doesn’t argue. So we find a bench outside a toy store close by and settle there for a while, silently people-watching. I steal a glance at Even and I feel pleasant tingle somewhere in my chest because I finally understand how lucky I have to have someone to spend simple moments like this with and to enjoy the little joys of life with. I’m lucky to have Even’s love and company. It’s a love I want to cherish, not fear. So I reach between us for Even’s hand. </p><p>He jumps and stares at me all startled and surprised.</p><p>“I want to hold your hand too.” I tell Even and tentatively intertwine our fingers.</p><p>“Are you okay with that? Don’t do me any favours.”</p><p>“I know. This is for me. I might not be able to kiss you at a place like this just yet, but I <em>will</em> get there.”</p><p>Even grins and gently squeezes my hand. “Take your time. This is good for now.”</p><p>“Yeah. This <em>is</em> very nice.”</p><p>**********</p><p>We stroll around, still holding hands, and visit some galleries where I’m excited to test out my newly acquired knowledge of art thanks to hanging out with Even a lot. It’s worth it to see Even so thrilled about whatever input I can give about something he holds so dear to his heart.</p><p>There is too much to do and see in Trondheim and I feel bad that we can’t do it all in one day. I begged Magnus to cover my shift for me tomorrow morning in exchange for covering his afternoon shift, so I must take the first flight out of here back to Kirkenes tomorrow morning. It’s some comfort knowing that I’ll have with me the pictures and selfies we’ve been taking during this outing, but I still feel awful about having to leave so soon.</p><p>Our outing ends with us spending a quiet early evening at a coffee shop, drinking coffee, talking and falling silent sometimes.</p><p>“What’s on your mind?” Even asks me. “You seem pensive all of a sudden.”</p><p>“It sucks that I have to leave tomorrow.”</p><p>There is no trace of sadness in the smile Even gives me and I’m not sure if that’s comforting or annoying. “Then don’t think about it. Let’s just enjoy what we have now.”</p><p>“Are you really considering moving out here? I really don’t want a long distance relationship.”</p><p>Even’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You’ve thought that far?”</p><p>“Sorry. Force of habit. It’s hard for me not to overthink.”</p><p>“Yes I’m thinking about moving here.” He says and my stomach sinks. “But nothing is set in stone.” He continues. “For now I’m only thinking about coming out here a few times to do some work.”</p><p>“Then eventually you’ll move.”</p><p>“Kirkenes isn’t that far from here. I’m a freelance artist, remember? Of course I’ll make time for my boyfriend.”</p><p>Right. Of course he will. It’s as simple as that. Now I feel silly for being all emotional. “I really hated it when you came back into my life. Now I can’t stand the thought of not having you around with me all the time.”</p><p>“I’m already yours. That won’t change just because there are a few miles between us once in a while. Better yet if you have some time off, you can join me and we’ll travel to wherever you want. I need all the inspiration I can get from travel.”</p><p>“Sounds like fun.” Travelling with Even would be awesome. Just imagining it does wonders for my recently dampening mood. “Can you smile again now please?” Even pleads. “Stop frowning.”</p><p>I don’t even have to pretend to be reassured. I really am, and my smile is genuine. “How much longer are you in Trondheim this time around?”</p><p>“I’ll go to Oslo next week to visit my parents for a couple of days then I’ll running back to you like the whipped idiot I am. Are you happy now?”</p><p>“Don’t show up on a horse with a bouquet of flowers or anything like that. I beg you.” I caution, laughing.</p><p>“You know me so well.” Even grins and honestly I have no idea whether his preposterously romantic ass is joking or serious. I don’t give a fuck if he shows up dressed like a smouldering Greek god.</p><p>***********</p><p>We order pizza for dinner and eat it in bed while watching a <em>young Sheldon </em>season 2 marathon<em>.</em></p><p>Later after we’ve cleared up, we spend the rest of the night wrapped in each other’s arms laughing cheerfully and kissing whenever we want. Seeing the smile on Isak’s face whenever he leans in to kiss me is so gratifying because if he can still look at me with such adoration after what we’ve been through, I’m confident that we’ll make it through whatever stormy episodes ahead of us.</p><p>We stay awake up to around 1am when we finally succumb to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Eleven (The End Part 2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Isak meets Even's mum again after years, and she tells him something he's been desperate to hear.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’ve probably never smiled so hard at the sound of my phone ringing. It’s Even calling and yes I’m going to smile like an idiot every time he calls me from now on. I can sense Magnus staring oddly at me, so I turn away from him to answer in some kind of privacy.</p><p>“Hi, baby.” </p><p>“Hi, baby. I’m officially home.”</p><p>“Best news I’ve heard all day. How was your flight?”</p><p>“It was great. I read a lot on the way.”</p><p>“And your mum?” Even told me while visiting his parents that his mum plans to tag along with him when he returns home. She hasn’t visited him in a while and feels that this is a great opportunity to do so.</p><p>Even chuckles softly. “She busied herself watching <em>Blackish </em>the whole way.”</p><p>“I like that show. It’s really funny” I let my approval be known. “So what are you doing right now?”</p><p>“Mum and I are both trying to rest. Let’s go for dinner tonight.”</p><p>“Won’t your mum be lonely alone at home?”</p><p>There is moment of hesitation before Even says. “It would be fun to invite her, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I know that for you it’s too soon for something like that.”</p><p>“Not really… I mean.” I make an awkward pause as my heart starts to race at my own idea. “I um…. We’ll see about dinner, but can I come over to say hi to your mum?”</p><p>“Today?” shock is evident in Even’s voice as he utters just the one word.</p><p>“Yeah. If that’s cool with you…and her of course.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>I used to be very close to Even’s parents, so it was definitely not kind of me to cut off contact with them unannounced. I have some serious apologising to do and I know meeting Even’s mum could be extremely uncomfortable, but it’s also unavoidable. “I’m done running, Even. I need to make things right if you’ll let me.”</p><p>“Wow. You’re awesome. I’m so proud of you.”</p><p>The kindness in Even’s words settles deep inside me and I can feels my nervousness start to seep out of me. “It’s a huge help knowing that you have my back.” I finally get it. I’m not alone.</p><p>“I’ll ask mum if she’s up for company tonight then text you the answer.”</p><p>“Thanks. I really missed you baby.”</p><p>“Me too. I can’t wait to see you tonight.”</p><p>**********</p><p>Even greets me at the door of his apartment with a big hug and a long, long kiss that communicates better than any words can how much he’s missed me.</p><p>Our lips parts but our faces stay relatively close just to soak up each other’s presence. “How are you? Really?” I whisper to Even.</p><p>“I’m fine.” Even says and after close inspection, I find that there is nothing to suggest otherwise. His beautiful face is as radiant as usual. “You look good.” He tells me.</p><p>“So do you.” I kiss him once more before completely pulling away entirely. “So, your mum is here?”</p><p>“Yeah. She’s waiting for you.” it’s obvious he wants to say a lot more. He seems nervous and tense probably because he thinks I’m on edge as well.</p><p>I lean up to kiss his cheek and reach for his hand to give it reassuring squeeze. “Take is easy, baby. I’m okay. I’m sure about this.”  </p><p>He just blinks at me while his teeth worry his beautiful lower lip. I want to kiss him some more. I make a silent promise to kiss him to my heart’s content later after I’ve met his mother. If I get into it now, I might never stop. I’ve really missed Even.</p><p>Even doesn’t let go of my hand as he leads me to his living area.</p><p>Even’s mother is lying across Even’s couch with a blanket covering her legs when we walk into the room. She looks up when I walk in and the first thing I notice is how she looks slightly older than I remember, and the second thing is that she is still extremely beautiful with her flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes her son also has. She looks simple, yet elegantly charming in a long, flowing, floral, sleeveless dress.</p><p>While I’m still trying to figure out how to greet her, she takes the worry off my hands by getting up to welcome me with a hug. I tense up at first, surprised by the affection, but I easily settle into the warmth and kindness I feel seeping from her.  </p><p>She holds me at arm’s length and gives me a once over with a smile. “It’s been so long. You look great. Time has been good to you I must say.”</p><p>“Thank you.” I clear my throat and take a deep breath to calm down a bit. “Time has been good to you too. You look lovely.”</p><p>“Thank you, honey.” She takes my hand and pulls me towards the couch. I peer over my shoulder at Even and he gives me a wink as he sits down on another couch close by. “Let’s catch up.” His mum is saying to me. She seems to still be as friendly as ever and perhaps that’s what’s making me nervous. I’m wondering when the other shoe will drop. Realistically speaking she must be mad at me for how I walked away from her son’s life.</p><p>If she is indeed mad, there is no trace of that as she showers me with question after question while Even is away making us some tea as per her request. She asks me about everything from what I’ve been doing with myself since I left Oslo to how life is for me in Kirkenes and everything in between. Even answers some of those questions for me when he comes back, probably as well as I would myself, and his mother mercilessly teases him for knowing so much about me already. She especially laughs when Even and I exchange a shy smile.</p><p>“You two are just horrible.” his complains. “How can you make a 48 year old married woman feel lonely?”</p><p>“Isak is finally mine, mum, so no I’m not holding anything back.” Even replies with an unapologetic shrug.</p><p>His mother wrinkles her nose and mutters “cheesy” under her breathe. I think I’m the only one who hears it and it doesn’t fail to make me laugh.</p><p>She turns her attention back to me and makes me feel like a kid again when she asks me if I’ve made a lot of friends here in town. Our conversation remains awfully light actually to my surprise. It’s with growing confidence that I ask her how she has been in recent years, and she tells me about how lonely she is now with her son out of the house and her husband working a lot.</p><p> “Even told me that you’ve recently been unwell. I’m really sorry about that.”</p><p>“I’m doing fine and responding well to my medication. Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“That’s a relief.”</p><p> “I’m resting a lot, taking my medication and exercising thanks to Even’s nagging.”</p><p>I glance at Even and chuckle at the thought of him nagging someone. How adorable.</p><p>Even looks a lot less anxious now that his mum and I have steadied into a somewhat comfortable conversation.</p><p>“I can’t picture Even nagging anyone.” I admit.</p><p>“I don’t nag. Mum is exaggerating.” Even jumps to his own defence. His mother seems to take this an invitation to ply me with funny stories about the many ways Even has showed her that he is a grown man now by acting like he’s the parent between them.</p><p>I’m enjoying myself at Even’s expense while he groans her and face palms there. Little by little the nervousness is seeping out of me the longer I sit here sipping tea and talking to Even’s mum because I still can’t sense any hostility coming from her. So far she’s told me more times than I can count about how happy she is that I came over here to visit her.  </p><p>Even excuses himself after a while and disappears to wherever. I think maybe an opportunity has presented itself for me to speak earnestly with his mum and squash the elephant in the room.</p><p>“Is pharmacy interesting? Are you happy?” Even’s mum asks</p><p>“It wasn’t my first choice but I’m not unhappy. I’d like a better job though, but the career is fine.” </p><p>“The good news is that you are young. Many opportunities await you.”</p><p>I nod and give her a tiny smile. “I’m really sorry about the way I left all those years ago.” I rush to say before I lose courage. “I should have handled things better.”</p><p>Her pert smile transforms into a much softer one. “You were a kid having a hard time and you handled things in the best way you thought possible. It’s all in the past, Isak. No one blames you for anything.”</p><p>“I still feel bad, you know.”</p><p>“Don’t. You are a good person and I couldn’t be happier that you and Even have found your way back to each other. Thank goodness for that too because now I don’t have to see another one of Even’s art pieces about lost love.” she fondly rolls her eyes. “He’s so dramatic.”</p><p>We both laugh at that and then she slides her warm, slender hands into mine and looks pointedly at me. “Even told me a bit about the way things are with your parents. It’s really a shame that you are not on speaking terms. Hearing this from me probably doesn’t make much of a difference to you, but I just want you to know that I think it’s completely okay for you to be who you are, whatever that is. There is nothing wrong with loving another man. Some people will always see shame in it and that will make things hard for you sometimes, but you’ll be okay, both of you and Even. I promise.”</p><p>I can’t hold my tears back receiving such compassion and acceptance from someone who doesn’t have to give it to me but selflessly does anyway.  I’ve been deeply starved for some encouragement, support and more importantly acceptance from a parent figure of some kind. “It <em>does</em> make a difference to me. “No parent has ever told me that. It’s a really nice thing to hear. Thank you.”</p><p>Yes it’s not the same as hearing this from my own parents, but its close enough and I will cherish this moment forever.  </p><p>I rub furiously at my eyes as Even’s mum pulls me into another hug and mutters soothing words to me.</p><p>Even panics when he comes back and finds me crying, but both his mother and I quickly assure him that I’m crying happy tears this time. He looks inquisitively at his mother and then at me as he comes over to where I’m sitting and settles on the arm rest next to me, but he doesn’t ask any more. He silently takes my face between his palms and turns it towards him so that he can wipe at the tears on my cheeks with his thumbs. </p><p>“Let’s all go out to dinner. I’m buying.” Even’s mum suggests.  </p><p>“I promised Isak dinner though, so <em>I’ll</em> buy.” Even counters and gets a rebuking look from his mother who then argues;</p><p>“For God’s sake let other people spoil your boyfriend once in a while.”</p><p>Even pouts but he doesn’t argue. It’s always been so much fun watching them banter. I didn’t realise that I’d missed this.</p><p>**********</p><p>Mum meant it when she said she wanted to buy dinner for Isak. She doesn’t let Isak or I pay for anything at all. I’m not complaining though because what matters to me right now is how comfortable and content Isak looks interacting with my family. I don’t even mind being the subject of their teasing at the dinner table for as long as Isak is smiling.</p><p>I don’t know what my mum and Isak talked about when I left them alone back at my house, but they seem to have broken some tension. I literally left behind a different bond between them from what I found when I walked back into the room. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know the details. It’s better to grateful for the way things have turned out.</p><p>After dinner mum decides to call it a night and she seems to understand that I’m not ready to let Isak go home just yet, so she asks to go ahead without me. I offer to drive her home but she declines, saying she’ll do fine with a taxi. Before leaving she makes sure Isak promises we’ll all hang out before she has to go back to Oslo. She also invites him to visit Oslo with Even one day because dad would like to see Isak too.</p><p>“He said he misses those soccer talks you two used to have and whatnot.” Mum says, laughing and shaking her head. She has ever been amused by dad’s slight obsession with soccer.</p><p>I notice Isak blinking back tears as mum pulls him into a goodnight hug. She gives me a peck on the cheek before we find an Uber taxi for her and send her on her way.</p><p>When it’s just Isak and I left, He looks up at the sky and takes a deep breath. “It’s a lovely night. Let’s take a walk around the block. We’ll be back for the car.” He suggests and reaches for my hand. It feels like a victory that Isak is cool with holding hands here in Kirkenes as well.</p><p>We set out on a walk down the street, mostly in peaceful silence. Isak speaks up a few times to ask me a few questions about how work has been, so we talk a little about that and about his job as well during which he makes it known that he is actively applying for better positions here and other towns near here. I’m not bothered by the possibility of him moving away someday since I’m a freelance artist. I’ll easily follow him to wherever should he need me to.</p><p>“I had a great time at dinner tonight.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>Isak hums. “Your mum is still as awesome as I remember. It’s nice to see her again.”</p><p>“I think she feels the same way about you.”</p><p>“At your place I apologised to her for the way I left Oslo after the scandal. I don’t know what I expected but it’s not what I got. She was so kind and understanding and she said I a lot of stuff I needed to hear. I’m glad I took the step to talk to her. I feel so much better.”</p><p>I give his hand a gentle squeeze. “I’m happy for you.”</p><p>Isak abruptly stops walking and tugs on our joined hands, pulling me to a stop as well. He turns towards me and smiles up at me. “Thank you.”</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>“Creating an opportunity for me to make things right.”</p><p>“I barely did anything though.”</p><p>Isak takes another step forward, shaking his head slowly. “You are selling yourself short here. I’m the luckiest guy on earth having a boyfriend with you.” he tilts his head up as he leans in while I stare at him in disbelief. This looks a lot like he’s about to kiss me. In public.</p><p>“We are in the middle of a busy street,” I rush to remind him.</p><p>“Your mum told me that it’s okay to love you. I think she’s right. I love you, Even, and I’m going to shamelessly show it from now on.” Isak smiles softly, blushing and happy as he slides his arms around my waist and tugs me closer to him. My smile might be brighter than his.  </p><p>I lean down and breathe against his lips, “I love you too, baby. Let’s make it <em>for ever</em> this time.”</p><p>“<em>For ever</em> sounds just about right.” He reaches up with one hand and cups my chin, guiding my lips towards his own and he gives me a longing, loving kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>On this note it's time to say goodbye to this story. Interacting with everyone here through this story has been great experience for me. Like i said at the beginning, i challenges myself a bit writing more angst than usual, so i was anxious about how you guys would react to the effort. Turns out a lot of people liked this and i'm super grateful for that. It's an achievement for me. Parting ways with this story is bittersweet for me in that on one hand i'm happy about successfully completing it, but on the other hand i feel a little sad that the writing experience is over already. I had so much fun exploring this AU for evak.<br/>Thanks again for supporting me to the very end. I hope this is a story some of you will remember and go back to for one reason or the other.<br/>I have no idea when i'll be back with another evak instalment (my well is dry at the moment. LOL) but until then, take care everyone, stay safe and stay blessed. Lots of love&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As always i love hearing your thoughts about my stories, so please please comment a lot&lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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